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Apr. 7th, 2004 01:30 amThere's something very reassuring about a walk home in slightly chilly night air, asserting my better judgment and not succumbing to silly emotions. But yes, it's a very good feeling, walking home alone, it's a feeling that I had a little too much of last year, but one that I sorely miss this year. Doing things on my own account, not thinking about other people, secure in my plan, my world, knowing exactly what I need to do. But tonight I saw instead so many threads tying me to so many people. I treasure friendships, and I can't help loving all my friends dearly, and I find myself caring deeply for people in my life. Last year it was all right because there were just one or two strong threads, but this year, too many, pulling me in different directions.
It used to be so simple. Go online, go to class, do homework, watch movie, hang out with Joanne, occassionally get distracted by house stuffs. This year.... everyone has love issues, I'm more involved in clubs, I have more people to hang out with, my having an apt means more cooking and hosting... Not that I don't love all that. Hosting makes me happy, hanging out makes me happy. But hosting can also make me frazzled, and I think I've been over-hosting lately. Nowadays a typical day becomes, go to work, go to class, go to club, go food shopping, cook for people, hang out, post-people slump, hang out some more, get home and chat with other people, contemplate doing homework, sleep.
Over-attachment is the problem. I miss myself, my self-assurance. I'm finding myself strongly attached to too many people. Most of them are clear now, but for one, there's questions that I want to ask, because I want to know how to behave, what to be prepared for. What do you want from the relationship? What are you willing to give to me? I want to be on an equal basis. I feel my heart opening and I need to know before it's too late to close it. It's sitting on my mind TOO MUCH. I forget what I used to think about before I thought about this stuff. I used to be more responsible, more together. I used to think about rational things, the next meeting, what *I* want to eat for dinner (opposed to what I should cook for other people). I used to be in the right state of mind to enjoy classes, readings, etc. I used to be able to carry a conversation with friends.
It's always this battle between attachments and loneliness isn't it?
Oh, btw, parents and I have agreed that Vienna isn't worth the expenditure. Instead I'll go to Europe with mommy, early July, and hang around a bit.
It used to be so simple. Go online, go to class, do homework, watch movie, hang out with Joanne, occassionally get distracted by house stuffs. This year.... everyone has love issues, I'm more involved in clubs, I have more people to hang out with, my having an apt means more cooking and hosting... Not that I don't love all that. Hosting makes me happy, hanging out makes me happy. But hosting can also make me frazzled, and I think I've been over-hosting lately. Nowadays a typical day becomes, go to work, go to class, go to club, go food shopping, cook for people, hang out, post-people slump, hang out some more, get home and chat with other people, contemplate doing homework, sleep.
Over-attachment is the problem. I miss myself, my self-assurance. I'm finding myself strongly attached to too many people. Most of them are clear now, but for one, there's questions that I want to ask, because I want to know how to behave, what to be prepared for. What do you want from the relationship? What are you willing to give to me? I want to be on an equal basis. I feel my heart opening and I need to know before it's too late to close it. It's sitting on my mind TOO MUCH. I forget what I used to think about before I thought about this stuff. I used to be more responsible, more together. I used to think about rational things, the next meeting, what *I* want to eat for dinner (opposed to what I should cook for other people). I used to be in the right state of mind to enjoy classes, readings, etc. I used to be able to carry a conversation with friends.
It's always this battle between attachments and loneliness isn't it?
Oh, btw, parents and I have agreed that Vienna isn't worth the expenditure. Instead I'll go to Europe with mommy, early July, and hang around a bit.
