summercomfort | well, that just happened

Context: every year for Jan 1st, our taiko group does mochi pounding. We've missed the past 2 years due to covid, but starting Dec, we've tentatively rejoined our taiko group. We were both a little ambivalent about going to mochi pounding this year (pros: it's a fun tradition and kiddo really wanted to. cons: we were both quite peopled out, it's people who we haven't talked to in 3 years, and it's a long drive). Yesterday it rained so much that one of the highways got flooded, so last night, I was like, "hey spouse, if it's still raining tomorrow, let's not go, eh?" and he was like "sounds great!"

This morning I slept in and woke up after a series of errand dreams (the type where you work hard on errands like doing payroll and lesson planning), which is basically my brain starting to leave "I can get away with not doing my school work and really need to start grading" mode, I think. Anyways, after putzing around the internet a bit, I was like "hmm... are we still doing that thing where I have all morning to gear up to do grading and then I take the kid for the afternoon?" and I go to check with spouse. This was around 9:40am. And he was like "well, it's a sunny day so let's go. When is it?" So my mood immediately went from "what a pleasant morning where I have 4 hours to do with how I want, two of which I've already spent dicking around on the internet and the other 2 which I plan to spend grading" into "ugh, logistics and peopling." I think, at that point, I really didn't want to go, but didn't really have a good reason -- the sun was out, it was going to be a good experience for both spouse and kid, and if I can get my brain into the right gear, I'd enjoy it, too. So off we went. I spent the drive trying to shore up enough social energy so that I'm not scowling at everyone when I arrived... and failed. Instead I got a migraine partly through the drive. :(

By then I was ... in a really bad mood. It's like... whatever the opposite of touch starvation is. I just didn't want to talk with or interact with any human, spouse included.

So I dropped them off, went to CVS to get some migraine meds, and then parked and rested for an hour or so. (And also bought blackout curtains for the car for the next time this happens). Spouse drove us home, and then I napped for another 2 hours. Then I grabbed my backpack and left the house to check into a nearby hotel. It was a pretty impulsive decision, but I really wanted to have some truly alone time. (Not "I'm upstairs on the bed while I hear all the goings-on downstairs", not "I'm hiding in my car because I don't want to see humans", but actually having a few hours to just ... be.)

Anyway, I still have migraine symptoms (light sensitivity, etc, so I shouldn't really be using screens lol), but it's been a nice 2 hours thus far -- I made decisions and took actions without having to think about other people or consult with them. The hotel room has a really cozy armchair where I had a dinner that I bought. I can roll on the bed and make weird noises without attracting the attention of other people. I think one of the challenges of the current way that my life is set up, is that there's just ... not a lot of opportunities for me to feel truly alone and relaxed.

[break to spend 40 minutes putzing around and eating fruit in the dark]

Anyway, this has been extremely restorative for me, but I don't want this to be a repeat experience -- I know that spouse is very worried about me, and also he's shouldering the burden of child care right now while I'm galavanting about eating fruit, and that's not fair on him. I'm still not sure how much of it is due to migraine, how much is due to the fact that it's been 2 weeks of winter break (not even quiet moments of work where I could just focus on lesson planning), and how much is not getting enough alone time on a long term basis (and thus accruing alone-time debt). I want to not have to get so out of balance that I do another migraine-and-hide, which is so disruptive for everyone else.

I'm meeting spouse for a walk at 10pm, so maybe we can talk about some ideas. (omg 10pm is a whole 2 hours from now!!! That's such a luxury of time!!!!!)

Thoughts:
- how much of it is that I don't feel like I can self-isolate in the upstairs bedroom? I hate sitting on the bed but that's pretty much the only place I can sit right now, and it causes back and neck pain, and then I have to lie down. So maybe getting an armchair for upstairs would be nice. (which I could steal the hotel's! it's small but comfy (yes I did flip over the chair to check the maker))

- how much of it is feeling like so much of my life is prescribed and circumscribed into these little paths and spaces? Would creating more flex space/time help? Or would that just get filled up with futzing on the internet or playing video games?

- how much of it is needless worrying? Can I actually turn off the thing where I'm constantly keeping tabs on the people around me, even if they're downstairs in the living room? Can I turn off the teacher habit of trying to find solutions, provide support, and also judge every single situation?

- if I need periodic alone time to truly be restored, is there a way to work it into my normal life? (for example, would the blackout curtains help make my car a more private space? would it help to set up the hcc office to be a good alone space?). And what would be the fair equivalent for spouse? (A cabin in the woods? He's far more restored by nature than I am.)

- I'm worried about not being there for the kiddo -- spouse is taking the bulk of the child care, and that's not fair to him. But I guess we do do Tuesday nights together, and of course all of the daily commute.

well, that just happened

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