summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2020-07-15 11:07 pm
summercomfort) wrote2020-07-15 11:07 pm
(no subject)
This is a bad week for both me and Hoosband's utter lockdown exhaustion to hit at the same time. It means that I really don't have the emotional spoons to be present and supportive as he feels down on life.
Basically it's that feeling from the last 4 months of working twice as hard (work + childcare), while simultaneously feeling like we're only half-assing both of those things, and then being too exhausted at night to actually do the creative or decompressing things that make up self care. Um, yeah. That.
I'm so tired of COVID. Please go away. I don't want to be solely responsible for the growth and education of my child. I want to see and interact with other adult human beings who want to talk to me about my interests and goals and opinions, and not just logistics and responsibilities. Or providing emotional support for my husband's fatalism. I also want the world to suck less. (I purposely haven't been keeping up with Hong Kong or the election or how Trump is killing the post office in a year where a lot of people are going to do vote by mail, because thinking about these things will just make me explode.)
I think part of it is that I'm currently not working, so I'm even missing the daily interaction with students. Add to that the fact that Hoosband is basically spending all the evening post-child time working, means that I've just been feeling starved for interaction. Like, kissing is all well and good, but actually what I want is a meeting of the minds. But apparently, ever since "quality spouse time" has been removed from Hoosband's daily tasks, it takes lower priority to watering the garden and doing the dishes. I think I've also made it harder by escaping into fandom to find social interactions -- reading fics, responding to fandom comments, etc.
I think another part of it is that I'm a difficult person to provide emotional support for. When I'm stressed, I either sleep, or hide in a corner by myself and write DW posts to process my thoughts (::gestures at post::). So what I should do is come up with ways to make it easier for my husband to support me, and also ways to prevent it from getting this bad.
What I want is some dependability.
- We had a conversation about how maybe he can do the weekend cooking, since I've been basically doing all of the cooking for both meals since mid-March. That did not happen last weekend, because I hadn't gotten his ingredients. I need to loosen up and be more okay with him doing stuff in the kitchen, and we need to figure out a good way for him to actually do some cooking that isn't super random. It'd be nice to know ahead of time that he's going to take care of lunch or dinner.
- I always feel like I'm having to carve out time to go grocery shopping. I should discuss with Hoosband and figure out a reliably good time for me to go grocery shopping.
What I want are more activities or conversation topics that we can have together. Some topics are off limits because of aforementioned fatalism.
- I want to start watching something with him again. (We finished DS9 last month). I don't know what to watch, though. I want to draw during it, so it can't be subtitled, it can't be too engrossing, and it needs to have a heavy verbal component. He mostly prefers sci fi shows, but we've also watched most of Doctor Who. I'm not really feeling the She-Ra, and he's kind of "meh" on other sci-fi.
- I want to be able to show him my fanworks and get something more than a "that's nice." Like, I make an effort to understand his integration tests, his video games, his astronomy. I dunno, it was frustrating that I spent a week on my July 4th comic and all I got was a "that's nice." I want to be able to talk about my work with him. (Maybe he can send me some of his unfinished blog posts and we can figure out a way for him to subscribe to my patreon?
- I need to get Doctor Companion to a stage where we can actually do some playtesting, so that that can be an activity that we do together.
Also, I feel like overall, we need to do an audit of our respective time commitments, and trim off things that are currently poor investments of our energy.
Basically it's that feeling from the last 4 months of working twice as hard (work + childcare), while simultaneously feeling like we're only half-assing both of those things, and then being too exhausted at night to actually do the creative or decompressing things that make up self care. Um, yeah. That.
I'm so tired of COVID. Please go away. I don't want to be solely responsible for the growth and education of my child. I want to see and interact with other adult human beings who want to talk to me about my interests and goals and opinions, and not just logistics and responsibilities. Or providing emotional support for my husband's fatalism. I also want the world to suck less. (I purposely haven't been keeping up with Hong Kong or the election or how Trump is killing the post office in a year where a lot of people are going to do vote by mail, because thinking about these things will just make me explode.)
I think part of it is that I'm currently not working, so I'm even missing the daily interaction with students. Add to that the fact that Hoosband is basically spending all the evening post-child time working, means that I've just been feeling starved for interaction. Like, kissing is all well and good, but actually what I want is a meeting of the minds. But apparently, ever since "quality spouse time" has been removed from Hoosband's daily tasks, it takes lower priority to watering the garden and doing the dishes. I think I've also made it harder by escaping into fandom to find social interactions -- reading fics, responding to fandom comments, etc.
I think another part of it is that I'm a difficult person to provide emotional support for. When I'm stressed, I either sleep, or hide in a corner by myself and write DW posts to process my thoughts (::gestures at post::). So what I should do is come up with ways to make it easier for my husband to support me, and also ways to prevent it from getting this bad.
What I want is some dependability.
- We had a conversation about how maybe he can do the weekend cooking, since I've been basically doing all of the cooking for both meals since mid-March. That did not happen last weekend, because I hadn't gotten his ingredients. I need to loosen up and be more okay with him doing stuff in the kitchen, and we need to figure out a good way for him to actually do some cooking that isn't super random. It'd be nice to know ahead of time that he's going to take care of lunch or dinner.
- I always feel like I'm having to carve out time to go grocery shopping. I should discuss with Hoosband and figure out a reliably good time for me to go grocery shopping.
What I want are more activities or conversation topics that we can have together. Some topics are off limits because of aforementioned fatalism.
- I want to start watching something with him again. (We finished DS9 last month). I don't know what to watch, though. I want to draw during it, so it can't be subtitled, it can't be too engrossing, and it needs to have a heavy verbal component. He mostly prefers sci fi shows, but we've also watched most of Doctor Who. I'm not really feeling the She-Ra, and he's kind of "meh" on other sci-fi.
- I want to be able to show him my fanworks and get something more than a "that's nice." Like, I make an effort to understand his integration tests, his video games, his astronomy. I dunno, it was frustrating that I spent a week on my July 4th comic and all I got was a "that's nice." I want to be able to talk about my work with him. (Maybe he can send me some of his unfinished blog posts and we can figure out a way for him to subscribe to my patreon?
- I need to get Doctor Companion to a stage where we can actually do some playtesting, so that that can be an activity that we do together.
Also, I feel like overall, we need to do an audit of our respective time commitments, and trim off things that are currently poor investments of our energy.
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Should we do geek hangouts sometime? I usually do a few with friends every week so if there's something that works well with you (individually, together, however) let me know.
I know my general doom tolerance is high so I will be mindful to steer away from that stuff and keep aimed at more fluffy things.
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Well, it depends on whether Miss Rutabaga is present or not. For her not to be present, it'll actually have to be after 9:30pm to be reliable. We also have some time on Sunday afternoon, but it wouldn't be a weekly thing.
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:D
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I think tomorrow is a little busy, but maybe next week?
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