summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2014-04-09 11:42 pm
summercomfort) wrote2014-04-09 11:42 pm
twiddling my thumbs
These last few weeks have been kind of weird.
Firstly, I was struggling with the comic because in the new chapter the conflict/threat is not external -- rather, it's far more insidious, and I realized that this means, in order to present this conflict, I'd have to have a lot of talking (can't punch no monks). So the scenes are more extended. As a result, I decide to do a 6-page scene. Then I """sprain""" my thumb by basically drawing for 10 days straight. (Well, there was also work, but...) Playing 2048 and spending about 6 hours making and editing a presentation about storytelling in games/comics didn't help.
Then no one came to my presentation, which was a bummer. Or rather, a number of people wanted to come, but couldn't because they were too busy. And, y'know, that really speaks volumes about our school. The longer I stay the longer I see how the institution is structured to drive people busier. For example, we have roughly the same number of sports teams as a school 3 times our size. This means that in order for there to be students to field those teams, our students need to play 3x as many sports -- a combo of more students playing sports, and each individual playing more sports. The diversity of our programming is a major selling point for our school, so as a result, we get applicants who want to spend their high school years doing everything. Hence: busy-ness. This year, since I'm only working part time, I've had an opportunity to step back and observe the chaos: how we pile on ever more work, but feel like we're making less of a difference.
Having only a few people come to my presentation also reinforced this feeling of creative futility. I think I have good ideas, and then I bust my butt implementing it, but then it doesn't have the effect commensurate to my effort. Does this mean my ideas are actually total crap? The general response to Tisquantum has been "That's good, now can you make more China Comics please?" And the general response to my lunchtime talk was "That was interesting, I didn't know you had such adorable hobbies." If my ideas are crappy, I need to adjust, instead of putting more effort into something that results in nothing. This is especially relevant as I consider spending a year or two focused on Chinese School. I think I have some good ideas about high school Mandarin curriculum, but maybe those ideas are total crap?
Of course, all my failed baby-making efforts kind of re-inforces this theme of creative futility.
Anyways, this comes back to 2 points:
1) I'm increasingly unsure how worthwhile my current job is.
2) I'm also increasingly unsure about leaving my current job to tackle a riskier creative project.
So last week and this week I've been doing nothing. Well, I still go to school and do what I have to do, but I've also not been drawing, because of my busted thumb. I guess I'd kinda like someone to give me some direction, tell me things are okay. Either: "You *can* continue to do helpful, interesting things at your job" or "Your creative ideas are not crap, and are worth pursuing." Today we went to Chinatown and I got a fortune at the temple there. It was a really lucky fortune that said that I'd be successful in whatever I pursue, and that I'd rise in the ranks. But this fortune feels *too* good, and doesn't really help me with my current problem.
If I were pregnant this decision would be easier to make.
As it stands, though, any thoughts, flist?
Firstly, I was struggling with the comic because in the new chapter the conflict/threat is not external -- rather, it's far more insidious, and I realized that this means, in order to present this conflict, I'd have to have a lot of talking (can't punch no monks). So the scenes are more extended. As a result, I decide to do a 6-page scene. Then I """sprain""" my thumb by basically drawing for 10 days straight. (Well, there was also work, but...) Playing 2048 and spending about 6 hours making and editing a presentation about storytelling in games/comics didn't help.
Then no one came to my presentation, which was a bummer. Or rather, a number of people wanted to come, but couldn't because they were too busy. And, y'know, that really speaks volumes about our school. The longer I stay the longer I see how the institution is structured to drive people busier. For example, we have roughly the same number of sports teams as a school 3 times our size. This means that in order for there to be students to field those teams, our students need to play 3x as many sports -- a combo of more students playing sports, and each individual playing more sports. The diversity of our programming is a major selling point for our school, so as a result, we get applicants who want to spend their high school years doing everything. Hence: busy-ness. This year, since I'm only working part time, I've had an opportunity to step back and observe the chaos: how we pile on ever more work, but feel like we're making less of a difference.
Having only a few people come to my presentation also reinforced this feeling of creative futility. I think I have good ideas, and then I bust my butt implementing it, but then it doesn't have the effect commensurate to my effort. Does this mean my ideas are actually total crap? The general response to Tisquantum has been "That's good, now can you make more China Comics please?" And the general response to my lunchtime talk was "That was interesting, I didn't know you had such adorable hobbies." If my ideas are crappy, I need to adjust, instead of putting more effort into something that results in nothing. This is especially relevant as I consider spending a year or two focused on Chinese School. I think I have some good ideas about high school Mandarin curriculum, but maybe those ideas are total crap?
Of course, all my failed baby-making efforts kind of re-inforces this theme of creative futility.
Anyways, this comes back to 2 points:
1) I'm increasingly unsure how worthwhile my current job is.
2) I'm also increasingly unsure about leaving my current job to tackle a riskier creative project.
So last week and this week I've been doing nothing. Well, I still go to school and do what I have to do, but I've also not been drawing, because of my busted thumb. I guess I'd kinda like someone to give me some direction, tell me things are okay. Either: "You *can* continue to do helpful, interesting things at your job" or "Your creative ideas are not crap, and are worth pursuing." Today we went to Chinatown and I got a fortune at the temple there. It was a really lucky fortune that said that I'd be successful in whatever I pursue, and that I'd rise in the ranks. But this fortune feels *too* good, and doesn't really help me with my current problem.
If I were pregnant this decision would be easier to make.
As it stands, though, any thoughts, flist?
no subject
It's easy to mistake people's collective apathy/indifference as an active rejection of your creative labor.
About your presentation: Perhaps "storytelling in games/comic" would be better received/attended for a different audience? If your school promotes "busy" perhaps everyone is too caught up in their own more central interests to expand into something peripheral? Also, was it intended for adults/teachers or students?
As far as Tisquantum goes, I'm enjoying it! Every time you flail around in the notes struggling with some historical issue or a dilemma about how to respectfully express a culture that's not your own, I want to get out my internet pompoms and jump up and down!
Of course, I loved your China comics, but I could hardly expect you to draw only one comic forever---how would you grow as an artist? China comics were easy to comprehend/approach and short enough for internet-attention-span. They're like eating shrimp crackers! You try them, and they make you have strange mouth feelings, and then you get kind of obsessed with them and want to eat more and more. Then you realize they are VERY shrimpy and while that's novel, you decide you really need your husband to take the bag of shrimp crackers away because you're missing out on the rest of the foods.
Then you tell all your friends about the shrimp crackers. It takes practically no investment to get someone to try a shrimp cracker. In 30 seconds they can begin the OM NOM NOM-ing or wrinkle their nose and push the bag far far away.
It takes a huge investment of your energy to get someone to go try dim sum. And when I watch my dim sum guest glance skeptically at the carts, flag down a waiter and get a fork, and then dump soy sauce over a perfectly-sauced shrimp dumpling as they wait for their personal bowl of fried rice, it does make me *le sigh* and wonder why I bother.
BUT
I still love dim sum. Their underwhelming response does not diminish my own enjoyment.
AND
While that guest may be a lost cause, and the one after, the one after the one after may just be overwhelmed with amazing mouth feels.
So, I will continue to invite people for dim sum, because I judge it to be worthwhile because I enjoy it regardless, and sometimes, just sometimes, I'll get someone to enjoy it with me.
What criteria do you have for evaluating "worthwhile" for your current job and for the riskier creative project?
no subject
Tisquantum is like dim sum here.
I remember you expressed an interest in having a steady audience for your creative works, but being frustrated as to how to accomplish such a thing.
What does your ego need? (Yes, we have egos, and yes, it is necessary for the ego to be maintained for us to be happy.) Does it need consistent ego-affirming feedback/praise (to nurture your ego and thereby bolster your creative work)? Where can you find that?
Does it need consistent feedback/criticism OR praise (to challenge your ego to evolve your creative work)? Where can you find that?
no subject
What you wrote has been very helpful -- especially characterizing the difference between China Comics and Tisquantum.
In answer to your question about what my ego needs -- I think I need to know that what I'm doing is "worth it", in either of the following ways:
1) that my efforts are making me grow as an artist and a storyteller. For that I need honest feedback of what's improved/worked, and what still needs improvement.
2) that my efforts and this story is speaking to someone, not in the "oh, that's good, here, have a cookie and a pat on the head" way, but in the "hey, I actually care about these characters and themes" way, or in the "wow, history is way more complicated and awesome than I thought!" way. For that, I need to hear others' reactions to the story.
Basically I'm like one of my students -- I need feedback that assesses my work. I think part of what is causing all of this low-grade comic-related angst is that I get very little of either, and I'm not sure how to go about getting more -- I'm having trouble finding a comic artists group to hang out and draw comics with, and the website/tumblr doesn't seem very conducive to reactions/feedback. Plus the comic is rather arcane to begin with, and rather difficult to react to on a page-by-page basis. I personally think the comic reads better in 3-4 page chunks, but apparently people prefer a reliable update schedule??? So maybe now that chapter 1 has ended, it is a good time to solicit reactions and feedback???
no subject
no subject
For my current job, the job satisfaction comes from (a) the impact I can have in the classroom, and (b) the impact I can have making the school safe, happy, and accepting. The latter is decreasing rapidly, which is also impacting the former.
For the riskier creative project of writing a high school mandarin textbook, the satisfaction would come from (a) doing something unique and effective, and (b) getting schools to adopt it. Both of these measures are much harder, longer-term, and requires "buy-in" from outside sources -- just like Tisquantum. Which is why Tisquantum-related angst filters into this.
no subject
no subject
Well, moving to a different school would make me feel more impact-ful, but would also mean I wouldn't have time to work on Mandarin textbook, either. So it is an option worth considering, but is part of the "school" alternative. So... I guess it's a hard binary??