summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2014-02-14 05:28 pm
summercomfort) wrote2014-02-14 05:28 pm
Pregnancy efforts update
There was a request for an update to my pregnancy efforts, and it feels like the right time. It was around this time last year that I first thought that I might be pregnant, though that wasn't confirmed until 3 weeks later. And then after the miscarriage, I decided to go on a 1 year flying moratorium starting April 2013, and I also went down the part time at school.
Well, the flying moratorium is ending in 2 months. I'm really looking forward to its end, because it signifies when I'm going to stop putting my life on hold for the false promise of a pregnancy. The flying moratorium has been hard, since people (friends, family, co-workers) were generally confused and would never remember. "Are you coming for Christmas/convention/visits?" "No, flying moratorium." "Why?" -_-;;; repeat ad nauseum. Multiple times per person. It was especially frustrating because every explanation involved re-living that first miscarriage, and the moment of "oh shit" at the Palm Springs airport on the way back from the CUE conference. Every explanation also involved getting those looks of pity and the awkward hugs that make it Much Worse.
That said, the flying moratorium and the accompanying working part time was good for me. I needed that self-intervention hard-stop to my life to make me slow down and be less stressed. Compared to this time last year, I'm much more relaxed, I give myself a lot of down time, and I feel generally more rejuvenated and creative. Before, I'd felt like "butter spread over too much bread", and now I'm a much happier person. I haven't had a stress-related meltdown for probably 8 months! Instead I'm working on Tisquantum, taking lots of naps, and generally not worrying about school or work!
Since that miscarriage, I'd had another one in August, and in November, I was *positive* that I was pregnant, but in the end, I wasn't. And that has been the trend ever since. Basically for the last 3-4 months, I've felt nausea EVERY DAY. I'm feeling it right now. I feel it right before I go to bed, which has made sleeping a less pleasant experience for me. Also, I get up in the middle of the night to pee. Basically, I have random pregnancy symptoms, but NO PREGNANCY. Taking medicines don't work. Not taking medicine doesn't work, either. (That was the thing I thought was pregnancy in November) For example, I took clomid after my most recent period, which is supposed to stimulate ovulation. I was pretty sure I tested positive for ovulation on January 23rd, which *should* mean that on Februrary 6th I either menstruate or am pregnant. Well, it's now Feb 14 and I'm neither menstruating nor pregnant. But still feeling nausea. Yeah, I don't know what's going on, and frankly, I don't care anymore. Is it because I didn't actually ovulate? Or because I took pre-natal vitamins after my supposed ovulation? Or maybe I'm secretly pregnant but nothing shows up on any test, and I don't have the boob swelling? After 2 years of second-guessing myself every single day (because when your cycles aren't regular, every day is a fuckin' mystery), I just don't care anymore.
Basically what I've decided is that I've done my due diligence -- I've done my half a year of nausea, I've done my boob-growth for the 3 weeks I was pregnant last year, I've dealt with the emotional rollercoaster with my husband and my parents, I've dealt with 4 gynecologists and 3 Chinese medicine doctors (not counting the other 3 in the years past), I've dealt with the major changes to my diet, the 1 year of no travel, and I've even dealt with the 2 days of cramps that it took to expel that first misshapen lump. For better or for worse, I'm going to count the pregnancy experience as "done." In 2 months, I'll be ready to fly, to travel, and to move on with my life. Maybe look into adopting a Chinese baby in a year or two.
A much simplified account is expressed in tumblr comic form here: http://summercomfort.tumblr.com/post/76682891732/although-to-be-honest-i-didnt-observe-the
Well, the flying moratorium is ending in 2 months. I'm really looking forward to its end, because it signifies when I'm going to stop putting my life on hold for the false promise of a pregnancy. The flying moratorium has been hard, since people (friends, family, co-workers) were generally confused and would never remember. "Are you coming for Christmas/convention/visits?" "No, flying moratorium." "Why?" -_-;;; repeat ad nauseum. Multiple times per person. It was especially frustrating because every explanation involved re-living that first miscarriage, and the moment of "oh shit" at the Palm Springs airport on the way back from the CUE conference. Every explanation also involved getting those looks of pity and the awkward hugs that make it Much Worse.
That said, the flying moratorium and the accompanying working part time was good for me. I needed that self-intervention hard-stop to my life to make me slow down and be less stressed. Compared to this time last year, I'm much more relaxed, I give myself a lot of down time, and I feel generally more rejuvenated and creative. Before, I'd felt like "butter spread over too much bread", and now I'm a much happier person. I haven't had a stress-related meltdown for probably 8 months! Instead I'm working on Tisquantum, taking lots of naps, and generally not worrying about school or work!
Since that miscarriage, I'd had another one in August, and in November, I was *positive* that I was pregnant, but in the end, I wasn't. And that has been the trend ever since. Basically for the last 3-4 months, I've felt nausea EVERY DAY. I'm feeling it right now. I feel it right before I go to bed, which has made sleeping a less pleasant experience for me. Also, I get up in the middle of the night to pee. Basically, I have random pregnancy symptoms, but NO PREGNANCY. Taking medicines don't work. Not taking medicine doesn't work, either. (That was the thing I thought was pregnancy in November) For example, I took clomid after my most recent period, which is supposed to stimulate ovulation. I was pretty sure I tested positive for ovulation on January 23rd, which *should* mean that on Februrary 6th I either menstruate or am pregnant. Well, it's now Feb 14 and I'm neither menstruating nor pregnant. But still feeling nausea. Yeah, I don't know what's going on, and frankly, I don't care anymore. Is it because I didn't actually ovulate? Or because I took pre-natal vitamins after my supposed ovulation? Or maybe I'm secretly pregnant but nothing shows up on any test, and I don't have the boob swelling? After 2 years of second-guessing myself every single day (because when your cycles aren't regular, every day is a fuckin' mystery), I just don't care anymore.
Basically what I've decided is that I've done my due diligence -- I've done my half a year of nausea, I've done my boob-growth for the 3 weeks I was pregnant last year, I've dealt with the emotional rollercoaster with my husband and my parents, I've dealt with 4 gynecologists and 3 Chinese medicine doctors (not counting the other 3 in the years past), I've dealt with the major changes to my diet, the 1 year of no travel, and I've even dealt with the 2 days of cramps that it took to expel that first misshapen lump. For better or for worse, I'm going to count the pregnancy experience as "done." In 2 months, I'll be ready to fly, to travel, and to move on with my life. Maybe look into adopting a Chinese baby in a year or two.
A much simplified account is expressed in tumblr comic form here: http://summercomfort.tumblr.com/post/76682891732/although-to-be-honest-i-didnt-observe-the
no subject
I will be totally stoked and supportive of any type parenthood you want to pursue! Everybody does "family" differently, but "love" is what makes it family.