summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2013-06-10 10:21 pm
summercomfort) wrote2013-06-10 10:21 pm
End of school year doldrums
I'm in that strange limbo zone between the end of the school year and the beginning of various summer activities and plans, and so perfect time to step back and have a minor existential crisis. 苦笑. It is a moment where I'm not keeping myself busy, and thus open that door to questioning the meaning if life. I'm sure I'll be back at my usual things by tomorrow, because I refuse to let myself wallow in this for too long, but for the time being, a documentation:
Today was the last day of school, and due to a variety of reasons, I felt particularly distant from everyone. We spent the morning in a faculty meeting giving appreciative shout-outs, but I had a hard time figuring out the right tone of the shout-outs, and so missed my chance. Then there was the annual End-of-Year lunch where people who have been at the school 5, 10, and 20 years were celebrated, and people gave farewell speeches to the 10 teachers who were leaving. I thought I'd be called up for the "At school 5 yrs" group, but I wasn't -- reminding me once again that I joined the school as an interim replacement, and so I'm not part of either the 2008 or the 2009 "cohort" of teachers. Then someone mentioned in one of the farewell speeches the idea of the BFAW -- Best Friend At Work, and I realized that despite being at this school for 5 years, I don't really have a BFAW. There are people to talk to, sure, but I've never had a BFAW. Come to think of it, I wonder if I've ever had a "Best Friend" of anything. It's not like I lack close friends, it's just that I don't think I've ever allowed myself to be open enough to make a "best" friend, whatever that means.
This (school) year has been very intense for me -- putting my comics up for sale (sold 2 whole copies online, woo), trying to write a Mandarin textbook, continuing to experiment with teaching history, being chair of the most ill-defined committee at school, feeling the joy and disbelief of the culmination of 2 years of work in the form of pregnancy, and then losing it in the blink of an eye, taking on a larger role of emotional and financial support for my husband, the various politics involved in becoming co-department chair, etc etc. But now, at the end of it, what was it all for? Especially since I don't feel like I've made any deeper connections with anyone, and there really isn't anyone to share to about these things. If anything, I feel more distant from people at work, even as I've become more involved in committees. I've been so busy all year I haven't been able to invite colleagues from school to my house for awkward parties. Jono is supportive, but doesn't really understand the school stuff and the baby stuff, and he's been pretty deep in his own stuff. (Just as I am supportive of Jono's painting and fighting of little mans, but don't really "get" it. Jono and I both admire and support each other's creative endeavors, but it has become increasingly obvious that this mutual-admiration is borne out of a sense of "wow, that's something I can't do". We work in different ways, and every time we try to work together on something, I am reminded of this fact -- most recently in my re-launching of Studio Xia.) I guess it's one of those days where I *do* feel like every man is an island, or however that saying goes.
The actual trigger for all this mopeyness tonight was actually the watching of Les Mis. I'm sure I've mentioned here before, but I have major "feels" for Jean Valjean, especially since I'm probably unique in having carried the idea of a Kenshin/Les Mis crossover in my head for the last 13 years, so watching Jean Valjean try to protect Cosette from his self-perceived sins is, for me, simultaneously watching Kenshin try to protect Kaoru from his self-perceived sins. But anyway, the major thing that hit me in this watch-through is how alone Jean Valjean truly is -- 5 years as the mayor of a town (inventing a new factory process, ruling with efficiency and benevolence), and no real friend? Then 9 years spent just taking care of Cosette -- he loves her deeply, yes, but that's not a friendship either. He has basically been on the run ever since getting out. At the end of his life, he has basically failed to reach out and make a deep connection with anyone (except Cosette, but see above). However, the thing that carries him through is his faith in God, and it's a faith that I do not share.
A persistent undercurrent in my life for the past few years has been this whole baby business, but after all this anguish and all this trying, I'm at a stage where I'm just tired of the whole thing, and want to give up. But having spent so long thinking, planning, and worrying about it -- letting it color and direct so many of my daily decisions (eating food, having sex, feelings of inadequacy) as well as larger decisions (not traveling this summer, taking a smaller course load next year), I'm not sure where to go from here. I lack faith.
I used to have faith -- I trusted in the value of my creative aspirations. I trusted in the the value of my job as a teacher. I trusted in the value of my friendships and social interactions. But this past year, between the ambiguities of the baby business and the stress of school basically squeezing out my creative time for the last 8 months, it has left me, in this moment, lacking in faith in my ability to do meaningful work and my ability to make meaningful connections with other people. Thankfully, I have not lost my faith in humanity -- I know we are flawed and selfish creatures that are strangely capable of great creativity and selflessness, and all we can do in the larger scheme of things is to muddle through our brief lives as best as we are able. So the thing to do this summer is to do things that recover my faith in the value of my work.
Today was the last day of school, and due to a variety of reasons, I felt particularly distant from everyone. We spent the morning in a faculty meeting giving appreciative shout-outs, but I had a hard time figuring out the right tone of the shout-outs, and so missed my chance. Then there was the annual End-of-Year lunch where people who have been at the school 5, 10, and 20 years were celebrated, and people gave farewell speeches to the 10 teachers who were leaving. I thought I'd be called up for the "At school 5 yrs" group, but I wasn't -- reminding me once again that I joined the school as an interim replacement, and so I'm not part of either the 2008 or the 2009 "cohort" of teachers. Then someone mentioned in one of the farewell speeches the idea of the BFAW -- Best Friend At Work, and I realized that despite being at this school for 5 years, I don't really have a BFAW. There are people to talk to, sure, but I've never had a BFAW. Come to think of it, I wonder if I've ever had a "Best Friend" of anything. It's not like I lack close friends, it's just that I don't think I've ever allowed myself to be open enough to make a "best" friend, whatever that means.
This (school) year has been very intense for me -- putting my comics up for sale (sold 2 whole copies online, woo), trying to write a Mandarin textbook, continuing to experiment with teaching history, being chair of the most ill-defined committee at school, feeling the joy and disbelief of the culmination of 2 years of work in the form of pregnancy, and then losing it in the blink of an eye, taking on a larger role of emotional and financial support for my husband, the various politics involved in becoming co-department chair, etc etc. But now, at the end of it, what was it all for? Especially since I don't feel like I've made any deeper connections with anyone, and there really isn't anyone to share to about these things. If anything, I feel more distant from people at work, even as I've become more involved in committees. I've been so busy all year I haven't been able to invite colleagues from school to my house for awkward parties. Jono is supportive, but doesn't really understand the school stuff and the baby stuff, and he's been pretty deep in his own stuff. (Just as I am supportive of Jono's painting and fighting of little mans, but don't really "get" it. Jono and I both admire and support each other's creative endeavors, but it has become increasingly obvious that this mutual-admiration is borne out of a sense of "wow, that's something I can't do". We work in different ways, and every time we try to work together on something, I am reminded of this fact -- most recently in my re-launching of Studio Xia.) I guess it's one of those days where I *do* feel like every man is an island, or however that saying goes.
The actual trigger for all this mopeyness tonight was actually the watching of Les Mis. I'm sure I've mentioned here before, but I have major "feels" for Jean Valjean, especially since I'm probably unique in having carried the idea of a Kenshin/Les Mis crossover in my head for the last 13 years, so watching Jean Valjean try to protect Cosette from his self-perceived sins is, for me, simultaneously watching Kenshin try to protect Kaoru from his self-perceived sins. But anyway, the major thing that hit me in this watch-through is how alone Jean Valjean truly is -- 5 years as the mayor of a town (inventing a new factory process, ruling with efficiency and benevolence), and no real friend? Then 9 years spent just taking care of Cosette -- he loves her deeply, yes, but that's not a friendship either. He has basically been on the run ever since getting out. At the end of his life, he has basically failed to reach out and make a deep connection with anyone (except Cosette, but see above). However, the thing that carries him through is his faith in God, and it's a faith that I do not share.
A persistent undercurrent in my life for the past few years has been this whole baby business, but after all this anguish and all this trying, I'm at a stage where I'm just tired of the whole thing, and want to give up. But having spent so long thinking, planning, and worrying about it -- letting it color and direct so many of my daily decisions (eating food, having sex, feelings of inadequacy) as well as larger decisions (not traveling this summer, taking a smaller course load next year), I'm not sure where to go from here. I lack faith.
I used to have faith -- I trusted in the value of my creative aspirations. I trusted in the the value of my job as a teacher. I trusted in the value of my friendships and social interactions. But this past year, between the ambiguities of the baby business and the stress of school basically squeezing out my creative time for the last 8 months, it has left me, in this moment, lacking in faith in my ability to do meaningful work and my ability to make meaningful connections with other people. Thankfully, I have not lost my faith in humanity -- I know we are flawed and selfish creatures that are strangely capable of great creativity and selflessness, and all we can do in the larger scheme of things is to muddle through our brief lives as best as we are able. So the thing to do this summer is to do things that recover my faith in the value of my work.
no subject
So, I had moved down to California with my 2 best friends from Seattle. Over the 3 years we had lived together, it became increasingly clear to me that we had grown apart - I had gained some level of maturity (and not in other ways) and one of my friends was manipulative and it just got more and more clear to me. So, eventually one left on her own, and my other friend I had to kick out when I couldn't take the manipulation anymore.
I was pretty much at a point where I didn't trust my people judgment, and also my ability to be loved/cared for/self worth etc.
Mostly, though, I spent about 2 years just feeling disconnected. It also didn't help that my major drives for the last 8 years previous all turned out pretty bad for me ("I'm going to be an animator! I'm going to be a dope martial artist! I'm going to learn Ifa! I'm going to learn TCM!") so I was pretty much left adrift.
What helped a lot was getting new friends and connections. The spoken word space helped a little, but I stil was disconnected from a lot of folks, but the cool people I met via online social networks and social justice stuff turned out to be some of the best people ever. (And I still meet lots of new cool people this way).
I don't know if stretching out with online stuff to find people who share interests might be the way to go, but of course, the other half is thinking about what/where you want to go with your life as well. Maybe give yourself a break from a few of the things - spend a month (or 3) not thinking about babby forming and see if a new perspective falls into your lap.
This whole cancer thing has been a giant reset on my life, and I'm now having to re-evaluate a LOT of where I want to go. Funny enough, I'm not stressing it really? I guess because I'm being forced to I don't stress it because it's not like I have the choice to NOT change. I'm definitely going to be keeping a lot of things I love (tea, martial arts, etc.) but I'm also looking at adding new things - like getting a telescope and star gazing, or learning coding, etc.
Anyway, sorry for the long ramble. I'm all up on the chemo. Lemme know if there's any way I can support or help you, which includes, "Shut up and play boardgames!" :P