summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2013-03-18 09:55 pm
summercomfort) wrote2013-03-18 09:55 pm
An attempt to capture my thoughts re: miscarriage
No, a public journal is not the best place to have a revealing conversation, but given that these conversations are also hard to have in real life, let me attempt to capture it here.
The first is a profound sense of loneliness. The accomplishment, the responsibility, and the loss, were all mine alone. Sure, Jono helped, but he's been ambivalent about the whole pregnancy business all along. So there really wasn't anyone close to really celebrate with or mourn with. I know all of you care, deeply, and all of my colleagues that I've told, and my family, as well. But there is a deeper connection here that is indescribable.
This pregnancy business isn't just another project, because it is intimately connected with my body. Every development has a physical effect. Likewise, a failed project such as a miscarriage also has its physical effects. Emotional loss is echoed by weird stomach cramps, fatigue, moodiness, nausea. It frustrates me that the websites describes it as a period of "mourning," as if it's simply emotional.
As for the actual emotional mourning process, I'm not sure if I have anyone to mourn with. I emailed a colleague who miscarried at 11 weeks, who said that she and her partner went on a hike, built a stone monument to the life that was lost, and spent a day mourning what they had created and then lost. I'm taking two days off from school to physically rest up, but I'm not sure what to do with the emotional mourning process. So I've been sitting in bed, feeling alone, while Jono kind of hovers in the periphery, not sure what to say or ask, since it is clear that I'm upset, but he hasn't really been part of it. There wasn't anyone to truly share the pride of creation with me, and similarly, there isn't anyone to truly share the loss with me, either.
Then there's the sense of responsibility. I don't want to use the word guilt, because I don't feel guilty about this, but it's clear that choices I made lead to this. I made the choice to fly to a stressful conference during the first trimester. I made the choice to eat an ice cream sandwich when my body was at its most vulnerable. In essence, I chose Menlo instead of the pregnancy. This has really pushed me to evaluate my choice -- it's so easy to take on more work. Sure, I'll fly to Chile this summer. Sure, let me look into a side trip to London. Sure, let's write a Mandarin 2 textbook this summer. Sure, I should learn Python this summer so that I can make the Chinese games publishable by September. Sure, let me draw a comic about Squanto... and on and on and on. Even though I'm going down the 50% next school year, my core attitude hasn't changed. And it seems like, if I want this, I can't just half-assedly make a token effort. I need to always choose the pregnancy over other things.
So the 2 things that I learned:
1) Don't be so alone. I need Jono to be more involved next time, so that I can have someone to share this with.
2) Don't fuck around with pregnancy. I think I'm going to cancel all plane trips this year (after the April one), and, for the next year at least, choose pregnancy over work.
The first is a profound sense of loneliness. The accomplishment, the responsibility, and the loss, were all mine alone. Sure, Jono helped, but he's been ambivalent about the whole pregnancy business all along. So there really wasn't anyone close to really celebrate with or mourn with. I know all of you care, deeply, and all of my colleagues that I've told, and my family, as well. But there is a deeper connection here that is indescribable.
This pregnancy business isn't just another project, because it is intimately connected with my body. Every development has a physical effect. Likewise, a failed project such as a miscarriage also has its physical effects. Emotional loss is echoed by weird stomach cramps, fatigue, moodiness, nausea. It frustrates me that the websites describes it as a period of "mourning," as if it's simply emotional.
As for the actual emotional mourning process, I'm not sure if I have anyone to mourn with. I emailed a colleague who miscarried at 11 weeks, who said that she and her partner went on a hike, built a stone monument to the life that was lost, and spent a day mourning what they had created and then lost. I'm taking two days off from school to physically rest up, but I'm not sure what to do with the emotional mourning process. So I've been sitting in bed, feeling alone, while Jono kind of hovers in the periphery, not sure what to say or ask, since it is clear that I'm upset, but he hasn't really been part of it. There wasn't anyone to truly share the pride of creation with me, and similarly, there isn't anyone to truly share the loss with me, either.
Then there's the sense of responsibility. I don't want to use the word guilt, because I don't feel guilty about this, but it's clear that choices I made lead to this. I made the choice to fly to a stressful conference during the first trimester. I made the choice to eat an ice cream sandwich when my body was at its most vulnerable. In essence, I chose Menlo instead of the pregnancy. This has really pushed me to evaluate my choice -- it's so easy to take on more work. Sure, I'll fly to Chile this summer. Sure, let me look into a side trip to London. Sure, let's write a Mandarin 2 textbook this summer. Sure, I should learn Python this summer so that I can make the Chinese games publishable by September. Sure, let me draw a comic about Squanto... and on and on and on. Even though I'm going down the 50% next school year, my core attitude hasn't changed. And it seems like, if I want this, I can't just half-assedly make a token effort. I need to always choose the pregnancy over other things.
So the 2 things that I learned:
1) Don't be so alone. I need Jono to be more involved next time, so that I can have someone to share this with.
2) Don't fuck around with pregnancy. I think I'm going to cancel all plane trips this year (after the April one), and, for the next year at least, choose pregnancy over work.