This I Believe

[summercomfort]

So for summer reading at our school we were assigned to read This I Believe. Then there was a call to write our own "This I Believe", so there I was, sitting in the not-a-true-boba-shop place in San Antonio Shopping Center, and I figured out what I would write. 2 hours later, this is the result. It's targeted to a high school audience, and this probably sounds rather familiar. I guess it's the thing I always talk about or something.


This I Believe

“What is your job?”
“I’m a high school teacher.”
“Oh! Do you teach Chinese?”
“I teach history.”
A confused pause. “Chinese history?”
“No, I teach World History now, but I’m also credentialed to teach American History.”
This is followed by a somewhat bewildered, “I see.”

This exchange happens to me quite often in America, but it also happens to me in China. My Chinese family has a hard time categorizing me – I read, write, and speak Chinese, I love Chinese art, culture, and history, but my mannerisms and outlook on life are American. They are appalled when I walk around the house in bare feet, and are confused by my lack of interest in cute stationery. In China, I am always a “waidiren” – not from this city.

In America, on the other hand, I’ve had a college friend tell me, “Before meeting you, I didn’t know Chinese people could be so loud.” I don’t fit the mold of overseas Chinese like my parents’ generation, nor did I grow up completely American like many 2nd or 3rd generation Chinese-Americans. For example, it wasn’t until college that I learned that hamburgers can be made at home, and not just from McDonald’s and Burger King.

I’ve always felt like I never truly belonged to any specific group. Not exactly Chinese, not exactly American, and not exactly Chinese-American.

I believe in this sense of not-quite-belonging.
By not-quite-belonging, I’m not so quick to judge others for “straying” from some sort of group norm.
By not-quite-belonging, I am free to question things that are usually taken for granted.
By not-quite-belonging, I can be more myself than any specific group.
And, I hope, by not-quite-belonging, I can enrich the group with my alternative views.

That last one has been hard because it requires speaking up and openly admitting that I don’t quite belong. Not-quite-belonging can be lonely. There is always so much pressure to belong, to find social acceptance. Throughout middle school and high school I was the “quiet Asian girl who was smart at math.”
It took me a long time to find the words and the voice to express myself and my “different-ness.” And as the “different one”, I’m the one who never quite knows the right things to say and do. I was, and remain, awkward.

But it has been worth it. I told my Shanghai friends about racism in America, and they explained the discrimination against rural China in the form of the hukou system. I’ve been able to challenge their assumptions about the “post-90” Chinese generation, and they have asked me tough questions about the American consumerist lifestyle. My American friends and I can have conversations about family duty and the rights of the individual. When my husband laughs at the impossible leaps and kicks in my favorite martial arts movies, I can say, “Not any worse than x-ray vision or a flying broomstick.” When I look in the mirror, I don’t worry about whether I’m Chinese enough or American enough (or middle class enough or indie enough) – I just know that I’m me and that’s that.

I believe in being open and curious. I believe in honest expression of myself. I believe in the power of not-quite-belonging.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

*claps*

Very nice!

-bakeneko