summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2011-09-03 09:01 pm
summercomfort) wrote2011-09-03 09:01 pm
Sleepless in Palo Alto
First full week of school is done. After the overwhelming first day, it has calmed down a bit, and I feel more optimistic about the year. :)
That said, this past week has been a week of sub-optimal sleep. At 5am every morning from Tuesday to Thursday, the smoke alarm in the tallest, most unreachable part of the house would would beep incessantly, disrupting our sleep, but by the time we got back from work, it would have stopped beeping, so we would forget about it until the next sleepless morning. We don't have a ladder, or anything long enough to reach, so I was just hoping that it would have run out of battery. But then on Thursday, it had the temerity to recommence its beeping at 6pm. So we called my dad, who had all the ladders. He brought over the ladders, and just thennendil and her husband showed up, so together we were able to disable the smoke detector. But still -- not a lot of sleep.
To complicate matters, Jono and I have been discussing a series of heavy life issues in the past month that came to a head on Wednesday night. These were the issues:
1) Projects. Related to Jono's posts about having too many projects (initial post here, resolution here), I was frustrated with Jono that we didn't have a lot of projects together, and that whenever we attempt something Chinese-related, he falls asleep. But after some discussion*, Jono made a commitment to study Chinese seriously for 10 weeks, and I accepted the fact that a lot of Jono's projects are not going to include me, because we approach projects very differently. That has actually been really good for me -- now, instead of sitting around in the evening waiting to hang out with Jono or work on a project with him, I feel free to work on my own projects (hence, the bag).
2) Baby. This is actually related to projects. I was there when my brother was born and raised, and it didn't seem like a horrifying thing, but Jono has had a very different experience with baby-raising, and has heard nothing but horror stories at work, so it is deeply terrifying to him. He is especially worried that having a baby is going to remove his ability to pursue his various creative projects. But baby is something that I want to have, for a variety of reasons -- the idea of creating a completely new human and being around to shape and mold him/her into a good, creative, and self-motivated person sounds quite magical and inspiring. Also, I feel the need to pass on the family line/traditions/morals in some way, especially since on both my mom and my dad's sides of the family, there aren't a lot of potentials for the next generation. (I think 刚刚 has gotten married, and might be having a kid? But that is only grandbaby out of the 7 kids of my generation on my dad's side, and 0 grandbabies out of the 2 kids of my generation on my mom's side). In other words, "Baby" is an 18-year-long project that I want to pursue, but that Jono doesn't. To make matters worse, I've been getting a lot of pressure from various Chinese folks to hurry -- the doctor telling me that my prime fertility time is age 28, various Chinese teachers and auntie figures saying that it's best before age 30 because then I won't feel so tired when I'm 50, and the positives of being able to travel around with older kids while I still have the energy, etc etc. My original target has been "start trying around age 30, have kid by 35", but now that's been moved up a year, and that has been adding pressure.
3) Location. Jono doesn't like living in the Bay Area (too pleasant, no snow, high volume of Silicon Valley hustlers and hipsters), nor does he like living in suburbia (too bland, to predictable, too planned, nothing interesting within walking distance). But unfortunately, we are not only living in the Bay Area, but also in the blandest suburbia possible (except maybe Atherton). I know this, and I've felt bad about it, so I keep proposing alternatives -- living in San Francisco, living in Oakland, living in China for a year, etc. But they are merely palliatives -- we're still in the Bay Area, away from snow and Jono's family.
4) Chinese School. So one of the main reasons that I'm tied to the Bay Area is Chinese School. This is like my parents' 3rd baby -- it's been around since 1994, so it's 17 years old this year, with 1000+ students, and textbooks sold to various Chinese schools around the world. I firmly believe that the curriculum that my parents developed is something that is beneficial to the overseas Chinese community. I don't want to see it disappear after my parents retire. On the other hand, I also want to do my own things in life, and not just inherit my parents' brainchild. Thus far I've been doing teaching on the weekends and accounting, and some miscellaneous structural improvements when I find the time, but it's hard for me to give it the full attention that it needs because there's always so many other things going on. And to be honest, this working 1.5 jobs thing has been pretty draining these past five years. I really feel it in August when I don't have Chinese school but still have normal work -- life is much more relaxed, I can spend Sundays hanging out with Jono, working on projects, going on hikes, preparing for class, etc. So this 1.5 thing cannot last -- I either need to give up on it, or devote more attention to it. Right now it is sort of in limbo, and yet it's the thing that ties me location-wise to Bay Area.
5) Meaningful Work. Meaningful work for me is when I can create things that then allow me to make direct connections with other people in ways that allow all of us to grow. This is what I love about teaching -- I am creating curriculum, and then immediately using it in the classroom to teach kids. Designing Chinese School curriculum doesn't have that immediacy, not to mention the rest of the Chinese School work (accounting and payroll, student and parent management, etc). I think this is one of the reasons that I want to keep teaching at Menlo School instead of doing Chinese School full time. Jono has also been struggling with his work -- he no longer feels challenged by the project that he's working on. At the beginning of the year, Jono would complain about having too many meetings that would distract him from coding, and he would come home happy if he was able to do a solid day of coding. But now, he isn't even happy when he gets a solid day of coding. So he is thinking of either asking for a different project, or leaving his job altogether. If he leaves his job, he would either do Pencilbox full time**, or he would look into going into Green Tech.
So as you can see, lots of issues to discuss and work out. These things are coming to a head because of discussion of where to live, and Jono's work prospects. Back in June, we were planning to live in Beijing for a year 2012-2013, but that would only work if Jono is still with his job (they have a Beijing office) -- it would actually involve me either taking a sabbatical or quitting my job outright and finding work when I get back. If he decides to quit his job, then we won't be going to Beijing because I would be the one bringing home the bacon and my job requires staying in the Bay Area. And where would Baby figure into all of this?
We spent Wednesday night laying out all the issues, and Thursday night trying to work it out. For a while we were on pretty shaky territory -- Jono didn't want to be in the Bay Area forever and didn't want baby, I couldn't bring myself to abandon Chinese School, and really wanted baby. We were both committed to each other, but it was looking really hard. The breakthrough moment came when we both took turns saying 2 things that we refused to give up, no matter what. For Jono, it was Meaningful Work and the freedom to pursue Projects. For me, it was Baby and Chinese School (for now).
From there we worked out a possible way forward: I would keep working at Menlo for the next few years while Jono figured out his Meaningful Work, and once that is stabilized, I will quit job and spend a few years dedicated to Baby and figuring out a sustainable future for Chinese School that may or may not involve me. Hopefully, by doing so, I can keep a lot of the baby-pressure off of Jono, allowing him to keep working on his various projects. Baby-time is also a really good time to work on Chinese school. I am accepting the fact that I will be the primary baby point-person, and Jono is accepting the fact that baby is going to happen. Jono has accepted that we will be in the Bay Area in the forsee-able future, and I have accepted that we might be living in part of the Bay Area that is more palatable to Jono.
Right now Jono is trying out living in San Francisco for a week and seeing how he likes it. We might end up moving up there. Or we may look into some of the more rural seaside communities around here. And if Jono ends up staying at his job and switching to a different project, we might end up going to Beijing after all. These are things that we should have figured out before the year is out. Irregardless, it was good to talk about all this and figure out a general direction that we can both agree on. The sleepless nights this week as we worked this out has been worth it.
-----------------
* Discussion usually involves blubbering on my part, followed by long walks together.
** Although he would need a partner to manage the business/monetizing thing, who can hopefully also code and who would work well with him under stress. Plus I don't see Pencilbox as a long multi-year project.
That said, this past week has been a week of sub-optimal sleep. At 5am every morning from Tuesday to Thursday, the smoke alarm in the tallest, most unreachable part of the house would would beep incessantly, disrupting our sleep, but by the time we got back from work, it would have stopped beeping, so we would forget about it until the next sleepless morning. We don't have a ladder, or anything long enough to reach, so I was just hoping that it would have run out of battery. But then on Thursday, it had the temerity to recommence its beeping at 6pm. So we called my dad, who had all the ladders. He brought over the ladders, and just then
nendil and her husband showed up, so together we were able to disable the smoke detector. But still -- not a lot of sleep. To complicate matters, Jono and I have been discussing a series of heavy life issues in the past month that came to a head on Wednesday night. These were the issues:
1) Projects. Related to Jono's posts about having too many projects (initial post here, resolution here), I was frustrated with Jono that we didn't have a lot of projects together, and that whenever we attempt something Chinese-related, he falls asleep. But after some discussion*, Jono made a commitment to study Chinese seriously for 10 weeks, and I accepted the fact that a lot of Jono's projects are not going to include me, because we approach projects very differently. That has actually been really good for me -- now, instead of sitting around in the evening waiting to hang out with Jono or work on a project with him, I feel free to work on my own projects (hence, the bag).
2) Baby. This is actually related to projects. I was there when my brother was born and raised, and it didn't seem like a horrifying thing, but Jono has had a very different experience with baby-raising, and has heard nothing but horror stories at work, so it is deeply terrifying to him. He is especially worried that having a baby is going to remove his ability to pursue his various creative projects. But baby is something that I want to have, for a variety of reasons -- the idea of creating a completely new human and being around to shape and mold him/her into a good, creative, and self-motivated person sounds quite magical and inspiring. Also, I feel the need to pass on the family line/traditions/morals in some way, especially since on both my mom and my dad's sides of the family, there aren't a lot of potentials for the next generation. (I think 刚刚 has gotten married, and might be having a kid? But that is only grandbaby out of the 7 kids of my generation on my dad's side, and 0 grandbabies out of the 2 kids of my generation on my mom's side). In other words, "Baby" is an 18-year-long project that I want to pursue, but that Jono doesn't. To make matters worse, I've been getting a lot of pressure from various Chinese folks to hurry -- the doctor telling me that my prime fertility time is age 28, various Chinese teachers and auntie figures saying that it's best before age 30 because then I won't feel so tired when I'm 50, and the positives of being able to travel around with older kids while I still have the energy, etc etc. My original target has been "start trying around age 30, have kid by 35", but now that's been moved up a year, and that has been adding pressure.
3) Location. Jono doesn't like living in the Bay Area (too pleasant, no snow, high volume of Silicon Valley hustlers and hipsters), nor does he like living in suburbia (too bland, to predictable, too planned, nothing interesting within walking distance). But unfortunately, we are not only living in the Bay Area, but also in the blandest suburbia possible (except maybe Atherton). I know this, and I've felt bad about it, so I keep proposing alternatives -- living in San Francisco, living in Oakland, living in China for a year, etc. But they are merely palliatives -- we're still in the Bay Area, away from snow and Jono's family.
4) Chinese School. So one of the main reasons that I'm tied to the Bay Area is Chinese School. This is like my parents' 3rd baby -- it's been around since 1994, so it's 17 years old this year, with 1000+ students, and textbooks sold to various Chinese schools around the world. I firmly believe that the curriculum that my parents developed is something that is beneficial to the overseas Chinese community. I don't want to see it disappear after my parents retire. On the other hand, I also want to do my own things in life, and not just inherit my parents' brainchild. Thus far I've been doing teaching on the weekends and accounting, and some miscellaneous structural improvements when I find the time, but it's hard for me to give it the full attention that it needs because there's always so many other things going on. And to be honest, this working 1.5 jobs thing has been pretty draining these past five years. I really feel it in August when I don't have Chinese school but still have normal work -- life is much more relaxed, I can spend Sundays hanging out with Jono, working on projects, going on hikes, preparing for class, etc. So this 1.5 thing cannot last -- I either need to give up on it, or devote more attention to it. Right now it is sort of in limbo, and yet it's the thing that ties me location-wise to Bay Area.
5) Meaningful Work. Meaningful work for me is when I can create things that then allow me to make direct connections with other people in ways that allow all of us to grow. This is what I love about teaching -- I am creating curriculum, and then immediately using it in the classroom to teach kids. Designing Chinese School curriculum doesn't have that immediacy, not to mention the rest of the Chinese School work (accounting and payroll, student and parent management, etc). I think this is one of the reasons that I want to keep teaching at Menlo School instead of doing Chinese School full time. Jono has also been struggling with his work -- he no longer feels challenged by the project that he's working on. At the beginning of the year, Jono would complain about having too many meetings that would distract him from coding, and he would come home happy if he was able to do a solid day of coding. But now, he isn't even happy when he gets a solid day of coding. So he is thinking of either asking for a different project, or leaving his job altogether. If he leaves his job, he would either do Pencilbox full time**, or he would look into going into Green Tech.
So as you can see, lots of issues to discuss and work out. These things are coming to a head because of discussion of where to live, and Jono's work prospects. Back in June, we were planning to live in Beijing for a year 2012-2013, but that would only work if Jono is still with his job (they have a Beijing office) -- it would actually involve me either taking a sabbatical or quitting my job outright and finding work when I get back. If he decides to quit his job, then we won't be going to Beijing because I would be the one bringing home the bacon and my job requires staying in the Bay Area. And where would Baby figure into all of this?
We spent Wednesday night laying out all the issues, and Thursday night trying to work it out. For a while we were on pretty shaky territory -- Jono didn't want to be in the Bay Area forever and didn't want baby, I couldn't bring myself to abandon Chinese School, and really wanted baby. We were both committed to each other, but it was looking really hard. The breakthrough moment came when we both took turns saying 2 things that we refused to give up, no matter what. For Jono, it was Meaningful Work and the freedom to pursue Projects. For me, it was Baby and Chinese School (for now).
From there we worked out a possible way forward: I would keep working at Menlo for the next few years while Jono figured out his Meaningful Work, and once that is stabilized, I will quit job and spend a few years dedicated to Baby and figuring out a sustainable future for Chinese School that may or may not involve me. Hopefully, by doing so, I can keep a lot of the baby-pressure off of Jono, allowing him to keep working on his various projects. Baby-time is also a really good time to work on Chinese school. I am accepting the fact that I will be the primary baby point-person, and Jono is accepting the fact that baby is going to happen. Jono has accepted that we will be in the Bay Area in the forsee-able future, and I have accepted that we might be living in part of the Bay Area that is more palatable to Jono.
Right now Jono is trying out living in San Francisco for a week and seeing how he likes it. We might end up moving up there. Or we may look into some of the more rural seaside communities around here. And if Jono ends up staying at his job and switching to a different project, we might end up going to Beijing after all. These are things that we should have figured out before the year is out. Irregardless, it was good to talk about all this and figure out a general direction that we can both agree on. The sleepless nights this week as we worked this out has been worth it.
-----------------
* Discussion usually involves blubbering on my part, followed by long walks together.
** Although he would need a partner to manage the business/monetizing thing, who can hopefully also code and who would work well with him under stress. Plus I don't see Pencilbox as a long multi-year project.
no subject
Between seeing a lot of my friends start moving away from the Bay, and hearing you guys plan out your stuff, it's got me thinking about what's going to be next for me as well.
If y'all stay in the Bay for post-birth babby development, I'm down to be an Uncle Iroh :P
no subject
no subject
And like Chris, hearing about the way you guys work out your relationship and having a future together makes me think more about where my life is going. I'm glad you guys are able to work things out.