summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2003-12-31 02:07 am
summercomfort) wrote2003-12-31 02:07 am
A Good Day
Woke up at 10:30-ish after going to sleep after dinner due to light fever and stuffy nose. Had lunch with mom at Iberia (yummy!), then contemplated watching Big Fish in PA Square, but mom suddenly remembered that her appointment w/ her boss was at 1, not at 4, so rushed there, hung out in her office and talked to her co-workers. Then headed downtown for the 4:45 Triplets of Belleville. Yum. Makes me almost want to attempt ugly people. Destino that was shown with was.... Dali-like, I guess. Very pretty and surreal, basically. Came home, dinner, mom took care of the interviews, so yay! Then found out that something I should have shipped 2 weeks ago, I haven't because I thought it was shipped already. oy, stupid me. So spent time doing the "handling" part of the "shipping and handling", with many "shitfuck"s and "stick, dammit!" in the back room. Oh, cake today was cheesecake made when Jess was over. We each had a chunk. This is birthday how I like it -- an enjoyable day that has that special sparkle, but without all the pretension of candles and photos and presents.
So yeah, I'm now technically 20. Although if you want to be really technical about it, I was born 20 years ago yesterday at 6:22 pm (b/c of the China time difference). Dude, I feel old. I think I should have a sense about my life and what I want to do with it, instead of wibbling here. But then again, if Confucius was "determined in his studies" at the age of 15, maybe 20 is not so late for me to figure out what I want out of life.
My birthday, being oddly near the end of the year, means that it's the beginning of a new year, but in a day it will be the end of an old one. Thus, a sneak preview at New Year's resolutions. Or at least last year's. Yay for LJ record-keeping!
(Last Year's Resolutions)
Walgreens is not that far way. Go more often.
Accomplished! Weekly trips, w00t!
The lounge is a good place to be. Sit there more often
semi-accomplished when I was still in a house.
Do not use laziness as an excuse.
.... It's still an excuse. FAILED!!
Despite Ethernet, cut down internet usage. (try making to-do list and do all at once instead of loitering about online)
wait, I had plans to do this? *Totally* did not happen, except in the summer when I had dialup and a laptop.
Find a practial excuse for drawing
sorta-kinda. At least a goal-like excuse. Plus those cards last year.
Have a better sense of my future. (should I try for Masters in conjunction w/ Bachelors? In what field?)
Well, at least now I know that I won't do Joint Masters. Have a more concrete idea now.
Stick to my resolutions
well, that's a lame resolution...
Actually, upon doing these, I find New Year's may not be the best time, for I tend to think in School Years, and can hardly remember half of last school year at *all*. Maybe I should have quarterly resolutions.
(Reflections on the Past (Half) Year)
No, I'm not gonna fill out that survey. Too many things that I don't care much about. Currently I only remember Summer and last quarter, so this is addressed to the past half year.
Socially
- um... I can't say I'm better at it, but at least I've been more actively, y'know, conversing, in touch, etc. I'm very glad that having stable + new friendships in Chicago doesn't mean I abandon the gumi back home. They're just very different things.
- after dealing with 6 (? it felt like more) breakups last quarter from friends, I feel like I've been helpful, that I've contributed something as a friend. Although at the same time I still feel so unbelievably lost as to how I am to behave in such situations, how to comfort people, how to analyze situations, when to agree, when to guide, when to shut up. But I guess I'm incredibly late on the scene in terms of ... um... dealing with people, so all this is good for me.
- I appreciate other people sharing their angst. I feel like I know them better, or at least where they're coming from, etc. Of course, I also believe (perhaps naively) that sharing is helpful for the angster. However, what I do need to keep in mind is to maintain a firm grasp on the center, my self. Just so that I don't lose my optimism and life-view in the swirly-ness of other people angst. It's sometimes too easy for me to empathize.
- The enormity of my sheltered, idealistic life is slowly coming into focus. In some ways I am thankful for it. In other ways, I feel so emotionally and socially inadequate in dealing with life. I guess next year I hope to see more of this... life.... thing. Also, more reaching out and talking to people. I'm very good at talking to complete strangers b/c I don't care if I make a fool of myself. Same with people who know me. It's those in-between people that I need to get to know better, everyone from my roommate last year to this year's roommates and random fun-looking people. And professors.
Academically
- It's been quite disappointing, really. My natural lazines and complacency have miraculously kept me from taking full advantage of edifying situations, whether working at the King Center this summer or my dedication to classes last quarter, or just utilizing resources, etc.
- In some ways last quarter had been bogged down with new social situations, a fuller extra-curricular agenda, and general stress and therefore apathy. I need to remedy that such that I have time to actually sit down and enjoy the assigned readings. (Because I really do when I actually read them)
- However, paper writing this quarter has been both easy and hard. Easy because analytical papers no longer require the depth of thought from Soc class, hard because research papers are a bitch, and I have yet to find the right way of taking useful information and others' ideas, but then using it to develop my own. Although I think by my Burns paper I started having a sense of these things.
Extra-Curricularly
- Logically, I have the time to take on this much. But sometimes the stress piles up, and after 19 years of basically doing nothing except go to school and surreptitiously disobey my parents, suddenly having extracurricular duties have been a little overwhelming, and left me too tired to enjoy academia last quarter. However, I did like the feeling that I wasn't wasting my life surfing online.
- Job last quarter with the NSP people had been enjoyable, but I want to expand into tutoring the teachers and helping them with technology curriculum stuff, but that requires me taking extra steps and going beyond the "just slogging" that I've been doing last quarter.
- Clubs: I like organizing things, even though I'm not terribly good at it, and doing it too much makes me frazzled and snappy, but I think I might want to lower my profile this coming quarter. I think Cora will be back next quarter, which would allow me to back off on Calligraphy club and let the other smart members do their smart things, and stop feeling like I've been holding this club together by the sheer force of will (which it felt like on several occassions last quarter). I need to be generally more on the ball with SMAC, but it's more of a matter of doing things than the sheer force of will thing mentioned before. The afterschool tutoring thing doesn't take much time, and it gives me an opportunity to work with kids so that I can function better with NSP, so I think I'll keep doing that. Anime club, I think I'm gonna shift my responsibilities a bit and do more productive things. For one, the original point of anime club has become obsolete, and since we have such an awesome officer group this year, it might be nice to sit down some time next quarter and redraw the club goals, etc. Make it more social, so that people would want to come, so that it's different from watching it in your own room. I'm not one to start my own club, but if I were, I'd start one where people would get together every week and read some classical Chinese stuff and discuss/appreciate. It's much easier to do this stuff with the proper incentive.
- Apt living: Pretty successful thus far. A few things currently lacking because can't get myself to a Walmart, but maybe I should start utlizing the internet more. My stomach has had no complaints about the food I've been having, and shopping hasn't been that big of a hassle. I'm probably going to go to Chinatown less, though. I trust I can control my finances better this coming quarter.
Familial
- I think I'm slowly reaching a more honest form of mutual-appraisal. Although I still can't respond/defend to direct analysis of my self, whether positive or negative.
- There is still some reticent desire to stay a kid and let the parents handle everything. There's still a lot of gray area to work out of where I want/can take responsibility and what they expect me to take responsibility for. Strange that I can cook for myself (and friends) just fine in Chicago, but it suddenly becomes more complicated when with my mom. Getting things accomplished has also been difficult this winter break. I'm stuck having to cram lots of stuff into the last few days.
- I should also treat my roommates with more respect by telling them beforehand when I'm gonna have people over. Except of course the casual dinners.
Life-ly
- I'm definitely gonna be a history major, although whether Modern European or East Asian, I'm not sure yet.
- I'm also getting a clearer idea of what I need in terms of Chinese School, and generally growing up and learning to manage time.
- Of course, more important is giving myself that breathing space whereupon I can doodle and have fun and experiment. I can sense Real Life encroaching out of the corner of my eye, but I haven't turned to look at it. My current goal is to be more focused and clear about my life and getting what I want to do done. But that doesn't mean abandoning daydreaming and doodling altogether. After all, doodling is something that I want to do, too. Hopefully I'll get more of it done.
Well, that was long and involved.... And it took a while to write it out and put all this stuff that's been lying in the "later" pile in more concrete terms, but I guess that's my current state of affairs, muddled and unenlightened though it may be. In half a year I'll look back on this and be like, "How could I have been so childish? I should have spent more time thinking and living!" But I'll leave that to June. But anyway, I gotta get up early (9am. shut up) tomorrow to ship stuff, go to Marina Foods, concoct something for potluck, try to hang out w/ conejita, and/or get Chinese School stuff done. I feel really bad about leaving my mom home and alone on New Year's eve, though.
Okay, it's sad and pathetic that this entry took me 2 hours to write.
So yeah, I'm now technically 20. Although if you want to be really technical about it, I was born 20 years ago yesterday at 6:22 pm (b/c of the China time difference). Dude, I feel old. I think I should have a sense about my life and what I want to do with it, instead of wibbling here. But then again, if Confucius was "determined in his studies" at the age of 15, maybe 20 is not so late for me to figure out what I want out of life.
My birthday, being oddly near the end of the year, means that it's the beginning of a new year, but in a day it will be the end of an old one. Thus, a sneak preview at New Year's resolutions. Or at least last year's. Yay for LJ record-keeping!
(Last Year's Resolutions)
Accomplished! Weekly trips, w00t!
semi-accomplished when I was still in a house.
.... It's still an excuse. FAILED!!
wait, I had plans to do this? *Totally* did not happen, except in the summer when I had dialup and a laptop.
sorta-kinda. At least a goal-like excuse. Plus those cards last year.
Well, at least now I know that I won't do Joint Masters. Have a more concrete idea now.
well, that's a lame resolution...
Actually, upon doing these, I find New Year's may not be the best time, for I tend to think in School Years, and can hardly remember half of last school year at *all*. Maybe I should have quarterly resolutions.
(Reflections on the Past (Half) Year)
No, I'm not gonna fill out that survey. Too many things that I don't care much about. Currently I only remember Summer and last quarter, so this is addressed to the past half year.
Socially
- um... I can't say I'm better at it, but at least I've been more actively, y'know, conversing, in touch, etc. I'm very glad that having stable + new friendships in Chicago doesn't mean I abandon the gumi back home. They're just very different things.
- after dealing with 6 (? it felt like more) breakups last quarter from friends, I feel like I've been helpful, that I've contributed something as a friend. Although at the same time I still feel so unbelievably lost as to how I am to behave in such situations, how to comfort people, how to analyze situations, when to agree, when to guide, when to shut up. But I guess I'm incredibly late on the scene in terms of ... um... dealing with people, so all this is good for me.
- I appreciate other people sharing their angst. I feel like I know them better, or at least where they're coming from, etc. Of course, I also believe (perhaps naively) that sharing is helpful for the angster. However, what I do need to keep in mind is to maintain a firm grasp on the center, my self. Just so that I don't lose my optimism and life-view in the swirly-ness of other people angst. It's sometimes too easy for me to empathize.
- The enormity of my sheltered, idealistic life is slowly coming into focus. In some ways I am thankful for it. In other ways, I feel so emotionally and socially inadequate in dealing with life. I guess next year I hope to see more of this... life.... thing. Also, more reaching out and talking to people. I'm very good at talking to complete strangers b/c I don't care if I make a fool of myself. Same with people who know me. It's those in-between people that I need to get to know better, everyone from my roommate last year to this year's roommates and random fun-looking people. And professors.
Academically
- It's been quite disappointing, really. My natural lazines and complacency have miraculously kept me from taking full advantage of edifying situations, whether working at the King Center this summer or my dedication to classes last quarter, or just utilizing resources, etc.
- In some ways last quarter had been bogged down with new social situations, a fuller extra-curricular agenda, and general stress and therefore apathy. I need to remedy that such that I have time to actually sit down and enjoy the assigned readings. (Because I really do when I actually read them)
- However, paper writing this quarter has been both easy and hard. Easy because analytical papers no longer require the depth of thought from Soc class, hard because research papers are a bitch, and I have yet to find the right way of taking useful information and others' ideas, but then using it to develop my own. Although I think by my Burns paper I started having a sense of these things.
Extra-Curricularly
- Logically, I have the time to take on this much. But sometimes the stress piles up, and after 19 years of basically doing nothing except go to school and surreptitiously disobey my parents, suddenly having extracurricular duties have been a little overwhelming, and left me too tired to enjoy academia last quarter. However, I did like the feeling that I wasn't wasting my life surfing online.
- Job last quarter with the NSP people had been enjoyable, but I want to expand into tutoring the teachers and helping them with technology curriculum stuff, but that requires me taking extra steps and going beyond the "just slogging" that I've been doing last quarter.
- Clubs: I like organizing things, even though I'm not terribly good at it, and doing it too much makes me frazzled and snappy, but I think I might want to lower my profile this coming quarter. I think Cora will be back next quarter, which would allow me to back off on Calligraphy club and let the other smart members do their smart things, and stop feeling like I've been holding this club together by the sheer force of will (which it felt like on several occassions last quarter). I need to be generally more on the ball with SMAC, but it's more of a matter of doing things than the sheer force of will thing mentioned before. The afterschool tutoring thing doesn't take much time, and it gives me an opportunity to work with kids so that I can function better with NSP, so I think I'll keep doing that. Anime club, I think I'm gonna shift my responsibilities a bit and do more productive things. For one, the original point of anime club has become obsolete, and since we have such an awesome officer group this year, it might be nice to sit down some time next quarter and redraw the club goals, etc. Make it more social, so that people would want to come, so that it's different from watching it in your own room. I'm not one to start my own club, but if I were, I'd start one where people would get together every week and read some classical Chinese stuff and discuss/appreciate. It's much easier to do this stuff with the proper incentive.
- Apt living: Pretty successful thus far. A few things currently lacking because can't get myself to a Walmart, but maybe I should start utlizing the internet more. My stomach has had no complaints about the food I've been having, and shopping hasn't been that big of a hassle. I'm probably going to go to Chinatown less, though. I trust I can control my finances better this coming quarter.
Familial
- I think I'm slowly reaching a more honest form of mutual-appraisal. Although I still can't respond/defend to direct analysis of my self, whether positive or negative.
- There is still some reticent desire to stay a kid and let the parents handle everything. There's still a lot of gray area to work out of where I want/can take responsibility and what they expect me to take responsibility for. Strange that I can cook for myself (and friends) just fine in Chicago, but it suddenly becomes more complicated when with my mom. Getting things accomplished has also been difficult this winter break. I'm stuck having to cram lots of stuff into the last few days.
- I should also treat my roommates with more respect by telling them beforehand when I'm gonna have people over. Except of course the casual dinners.
Life-ly
- I'm definitely gonna be a history major, although whether Modern European or East Asian, I'm not sure yet.
- I'm also getting a clearer idea of what I need in terms of Chinese School, and generally growing up and learning to manage time.
- Of course, more important is giving myself that breathing space whereupon I can doodle and have fun and experiment. I can sense Real Life encroaching out of the corner of my eye, but I haven't turned to look at it. My current goal is to be more focused and clear about my life and getting what I want to do done. But that doesn't mean abandoning daydreaming and doodling altogether. After all, doodling is something that I want to do, too. Hopefully I'll get more of it done.
Well, that was long and involved.... And it took a while to write it out and put all this stuff that's been lying in the "later" pile in more concrete terms, but I guess that's my current state of affairs, muddled and unenlightened though it may be. In half a year I'll look back on this and be like, "How could I have been so childish? I should have spent more time thinking and living!" But I'll leave that to June. But anyway, I gotta get up early (9am. shut up) tomorrow to ship stuff, go to Marina Foods, concoct something for potluck, try to hang out w/ conejita, and/or get Chinese School stuff done. I feel really bad about leaving my mom home and alone on New Year's eve, though.
Okay, it's sad and pathetic that this entry took me 2 hours to write.
no subject
no subject
I'm sorry it's a day late (my bad ;.;)~~ But glad you got to enjoy cheesecake goodness on your special day. :-D Congrats on surviving 20 years~!
no subject
(What does many happy returns mean anyway? Have more happy birthdays?) Yeah, so don't die and happy birthday. *grins*