summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2006-05-12 02:05 am
summercomfort) wrote2006-05-12 02:05 am
Introspection
I know this is a rather odd time for this, but today, for some odd reason, things have been coming around full circle. All this week, in fact, events have resonated with the past. We just finished a very successful ACen, and it's hit me that this is probably my last ACen, or at least my last ACen Skit. And from the haze of ACen, I suddenly find that there is less than a month before graduation. The first thing that happened after getting back from ACen stuff was a call from Chinese School. Yesterday was the first meeting of Old/New UCJAS officers. Today I had dinner with Kim, where we talked about 1st year, and today I got final evidence that a friendship that had been tapering off in the last 2 years, but which I thought was still going strong not 2 months ago, is in fact comatose and abruptly so.
And suddenly I find myself wondering why I'm so bad at keeping friends. It's always this gradual drifting away until one day I find us living different lives and having nothing to say to each other. Even though whenever I run into old friends (D-- and N-- from middle school and early high school, especially, or J-- from first year here) I want to give them a hug and say "now tell me about your life for the last 5 years! I've missed you, I've missed talking to you, and all evidence to the contrary, I do care about you", I just smile and wave awkwardly and exchange conversations like "hi, how's it been?" "oh, all right. You know, busy" "yeah" "um... well, see you around."
Why do these things always slip away? Previously I've always attributed it to 1) my social awkwardness and inability to carry on a proper conversation, 2) a strong sense of shame, the "better absent than get there half hour late" syndrome, and 3) my closed-ness. As I mentioned to Kim today, I can probably walk up to some random stranger and give them my life story, but it's much harder for me to say, "yes, I can open myself up to this person." Namely, I'm a very private individual and keep the cards close to my chest. (Of course, so is everyone to varying degrees)
But tonight on the walk home from the library, I've realized that the problems is that for me, friendship is not mutual. I never understand why people are friends with me, and even if they tell me why, it doesn't sink in. So friendships are always a sort of maintenance type thing. I really like my friends, and I'd be very sad if they're gone, because I like spending time with them in a variety of different ways, and I do believe I've made some real friends here at the U of C. But for some reason, I behave in reaction. Like "Yay! You want me to be your friend!" instead of "I want to be your friend". A friendship that I mentally think of as "not mine" puts me in a passive role, when it really should be a mutually aggressive role.
So much of my life are things that aren't mine, that I forget what *is* mine. And things that are rightfully mine that I somehow think isn't mine has caused me plenty of problems in the past. For example, with Alexis. And knowing what is mine is important for figuring out what I want to do in the future. I need to take the things that aren't mine, and either toss them or make them mine. And vice versa. Hopefully this will help for when I move back in with my parents and suddenly finding myself in various duties.
Relationships: not mine. But dammit it should be. It makes it easier to no.
Responsibility: mine. I like running clubs and organizing stuff. That said, it should be less mine.
Academic Papers: mine. I take my ideas seriously, and no matter how crappy it may be, it's my argument, yo.
Japanese: not mine, but should be. It's been pushed so far back on the importance scale that it's become notmine, and I really need to remember that this is, in fact, mine.
Chinese School Administration: not mine
Chinese School Curriculum: mine
Fooding: mine
Okay, am very sleepy now, so will possibly continue this later. In the meantime...
Current goals in life:
1) get a car
2) get a bachelor pad
And suddenly I find myself wondering why I'm so bad at keeping friends. It's always this gradual drifting away until one day I find us living different lives and having nothing to say to each other. Even though whenever I run into old friends (D-- and N-- from middle school and early high school, especially, or J-- from first year here) I want to give them a hug and say "now tell me about your life for the last 5 years! I've missed you, I've missed talking to you, and all evidence to the contrary, I do care about you", I just smile and wave awkwardly and exchange conversations like "hi, how's it been?" "oh, all right. You know, busy" "yeah" "um... well, see you around."
Why do these things always slip away? Previously I've always attributed it to 1) my social awkwardness and inability to carry on a proper conversation, 2) a strong sense of shame, the "better absent than get there half hour late" syndrome, and 3) my closed-ness. As I mentioned to Kim today, I can probably walk up to some random stranger and give them my life story, but it's much harder for me to say, "yes, I can open myself up to this person." Namely, I'm a very private individual and keep the cards close to my chest. (Of course, so is everyone to varying degrees)
But tonight on the walk home from the library, I've realized that the problems is that for me, friendship is not mutual. I never understand why people are friends with me, and even if they tell me why, it doesn't sink in. So friendships are always a sort of maintenance type thing. I really like my friends, and I'd be very sad if they're gone, because I like spending time with them in a variety of different ways, and I do believe I've made some real friends here at the U of C. But for some reason, I behave in reaction. Like "Yay! You want me to be your friend!" instead of "I want to be your friend". A friendship that I mentally think of as "not mine" puts me in a passive role, when it really should be a mutually aggressive role.
So much of my life are things that aren't mine, that I forget what *is* mine. And things that are rightfully mine that I somehow think isn't mine has caused me plenty of problems in the past. For example, with Alexis. And knowing what is mine is important for figuring out what I want to do in the future. I need to take the things that aren't mine, and either toss them or make them mine. And vice versa. Hopefully this will help for when I move back in with my parents and suddenly finding myself in various duties.
Relationships: not mine. But dammit it should be. It makes it easier to no.
Responsibility: mine. I like running clubs and organizing stuff. That said, it should be less mine.
Academic Papers: mine. I take my ideas seriously, and no matter how crappy it may be, it's my argument, yo.
Japanese: not mine, but should be. It's been pushed so far back on the importance scale that it's become notmine, and I really need to remember that this is, in fact, mine.
Chinese School Administration: not mine
Chinese School Curriculum: mine
Fooding: mine
Okay, am very sleepy now, so will possibly continue this later. In the meantime...
Current goals in life:
1) get a car
2) get a bachelor pad
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I don't know if I can say anything else. I don't know about your future situation with your parents, but I hope it allows you ample time to explore all of your... "yours."
Neat to see lj being used for its true purpose ;)
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Maybe it's also because I botched up more than one friendship by becoming a roommate (and I'm a sucky roommate), and so I'm gun-shy. For me, there's definitely the aspect of "Yay, you want to be my friend, awesome, that's cool" but more likely, "Okay, well, if you don't want to put in the effort to be my friend, that's fine, I won't either".
My mom always says, "Why haven't you called so-and-so?" And I say right back, "They haven't called me either."
Yay!