summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2005-07-03 01:24 am
summercomfort) wrote2005-07-03 01:24 am
(no subject)
So... Joanne's here. And there's this proposal to go to Xi'an and Chinese Turkestan for 2 weeks in August, presumably from August 10-29th or so. It would be cool, but there's many concerns
- safety: Chinese Turkestan is not the safest of places. Various Muslim-Han skirmishes on the border
- cost: plane ticket would be $1100, plus travel and fooding expenses would make it a $2000 trip for... 2 weeks. It would make more sense for me to do it next summer or something, like, go back for longer and thus make the plane tix more cost-efficient. There's also the time cost, for flying out there would take a day and a half, plus various domestic flying and train rides.
- parents: from July 20th on, for 3 months, we'll be rebuilding the garage in the back, which means lots of moving and storing of textbooks, etc. The busiest ordering time is August 20-Sept 20, and they kinda want me around to ship out books and stuff. There's also that LLC stuff, plus mom's gonna be under lots of book-writing and curriculum-design pressure. So whereas Joanne would want to get back Sept 1-ish, I'd want to get back August 25-ish. That extra week would be spent on the Silk Road, most of which I've seen already in 2000.
- going on this trip would also mean that I have to work harder at internship and be more half-assed about it in order to get my task finished in time. (This is mostly an issue because I don't have the keys to the office that I'm working out of, so it's harder to get in early. The 2 hour commute time doesn't help either. On the other hand, my dad would prefer me to spend less time at internship and more time helping him at home so that he could retire)
- also, no more visiting of Alexis.
But there's always the good points:
- hanging out with Chinese pakistanis
- visiting cool natural prettiness
- experiencing a region that I may be writing about in my BA
- reviewing some of the Buddhist grotto stuff that I may be writing about in my other BA.
These past few days have been feeling very unsettled. Partially may be all this time spent "slacking off" with the Chicago-tachi and then with Joanne instead of doing study-type or home-type things has been leaving me feeling blah.* Craving a bit of quiet time to work on various summer activities (watching 走向共和, drawing, cooking, reading, etc). Partially because at a recent dinner-engagement with Joanne and a bunch of other people, it suddenly felt like she was free to make all these choices based on her own very certain opinions (learn languages, peace corps, foreign services, go to Africa, the -stans...) but she has a powerful personal drive to do all these things, while my life seemed so planned out... (art history grad school at berkeley, museum job, chinese school) it's not like I won't enjoy that, but it seems less of a "I will do this because this is what I want to achieve in life" and more of a "this seems the best course of action given my parents' failing health, my habitual investment in Chinese school, and my long-term interest in Chinese history and culture." There's just so much that's not me that's tying me to this place. And yet it's so part of me now that I've never really thought about other possibilities. Which is why I'm suddenly feeling disgruntled with everything (and hiding in mindless pursuits** instead of reading about Qing conquests along the Western border***). There's a note from Isaac sitting in my inbox saying exactly that, which I haven't responded to because how does one respond to that sort of truth?
Partly, too, it's this lack of art history-type BA certainty b/c Wu Hung has disappeared.
It doesn't help that I feel very stupid for having lost a car key that would take $110 to replace because I was drunk and stupid. And Dad is relatively pissed about that, and would read me the riot act every time I ask to borrow car keys. :( ****
So right now, I'm torn between two conflicting desires:
1) that everything that doesn't belong in my home life just go away and leave me to my little bubble of peace and quiet. So what if it's all ordered and pre-destined like Pleasantville? Counting down to the return of peace and static expectations.
2) Wanting to find time to do things of my own with a sense of self-righteousness. But also finding it difficult to justify a short but costly (both time and money) trip to China. If it were just me, I'd totally go, and then maybe even hang around Shanghai for two weeks in September to poke around, etc. It's so much easier to think that way when I'm in Chicago and not finding large blood-stains on my dad's blanket from his mouth sores or seeing his heart skip a beat mid-conversation and knowing that's where the money's coming from and their life is pouring into. (but falling short)
-----------
* Example: driving Joanne to Cupertino home, driving her to bank, driving back to PA, only to discover that she left her keys in the car, driving back to Cupertino, driving back home. All on borrowed keys. >_<;; Tomorrow we're getting up really early to get onto the bus, commute to Fisherman's Wharf by 9:00 to go to Alcatraz and Angel Island. Perhaps dinner on the Wharf. Another day-long affair while Dad toils at home.
** yay for euphemisms for the sake of propriety
*** which, if I were reading it, would have put me to sleep long ago and I wouldn't be up whining on LJ
**** Driving makes me happy even though I'm a horrible driver because it means I'm going somewhere I want to go and I'm by myself in a car where I can control the sound and the temperature. Plus I can totally zone out (hence the bad driving).
In other news: oh, how I love![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
absolutsauronmy brother... (check out the utterly cute geekiness of his last post)
- safety: Chinese Turkestan is not the safest of places. Various Muslim-Han skirmishes on the border
- cost: plane ticket would be $1100, plus travel and fooding expenses would make it a $2000 trip for... 2 weeks. It would make more sense for me to do it next summer or something, like, go back for longer and thus make the plane tix more cost-efficient. There's also the time cost, for flying out there would take a day and a half, plus various domestic flying and train rides.
- parents: from July 20th on, for 3 months, we'll be rebuilding the garage in the back, which means lots of moving and storing of textbooks, etc. The busiest ordering time is August 20-Sept 20, and they kinda want me around to ship out books and stuff. There's also that LLC stuff, plus mom's gonna be under lots of book-writing and curriculum-design pressure. So whereas Joanne would want to get back Sept 1-ish, I'd want to get back August 25-ish. That extra week would be spent on the Silk Road, most of which I've seen already in 2000.
- going on this trip would also mean that I have to work harder at internship and be more half-assed about it in order to get my task finished in time. (This is mostly an issue because I don't have the keys to the office that I'm working out of, so it's harder to get in early. The 2 hour commute time doesn't help either. On the other hand, my dad would prefer me to spend less time at internship and more time helping him at home so that he could retire)
- also, no more visiting of Alexis.
But there's always the good points:
- hanging out with Chinese pakistanis
- visiting cool natural prettiness
- experiencing a region that I may be writing about in my BA
- reviewing some of the Buddhist grotto stuff that I may be writing about in my other BA.
These past few days have been feeling very unsettled. Partially may be all this time spent "slacking off" with the Chicago-tachi and then with Joanne instead of doing study-type or home-type things has been leaving me feeling blah.* Craving a bit of quiet time to work on various summer activities (watching 走向共和, drawing, cooking, reading, etc). Partially because at a recent dinner-engagement with Joanne and a bunch of other people, it suddenly felt like she was free to make all these choices based on her own very certain opinions (learn languages, peace corps, foreign services, go to Africa, the -stans...) but she has a powerful personal drive to do all these things, while my life seemed so planned out... (art history grad school at berkeley, museum job, chinese school) it's not like I won't enjoy that, but it seems less of a "I will do this because this is what I want to achieve in life" and more of a "this seems the best course of action given my parents' failing health, my habitual investment in Chinese school, and my long-term interest in Chinese history and culture." There's just so much that's not me that's tying me to this place. And yet it's so part of me now that I've never really thought about other possibilities. Which is why I'm suddenly feeling disgruntled with everything (and hiding in mindless pursuits** instead of reading about Qing conquests along the Western border***). There's a note from Isaac sitting in my inbox saying exactly that, which I haven't responded to because how does one respond to that sort of truth?
Partly, too, it's this lack of art history-type BA certainty b/c Wu Hung has disappeared.
It doesn't help that I feel very stupid for having lost a car key that would take $110 to replace because I was drunk and stupid. And Dad is relatively pissed about that, and would read me the riot act every time I ask to borrow car keys. :( ****
So right now, I'm torn between two conflicting desires:
1) that everything that doesn't belong in my home life just go away and leave me to my little bubble of peace and quiet. So what if it's all ordered and pre-destined like Pleasantville? Counting down to the return of peace and static expectations.
2) Wanting to find time to do things of my own with a sense of self-righteousness. But also finding it difficult to justify a short but costly (both time and money) trip to China. If it were just me, I'd totally go, and then maybe even hang around Shanghai for two weeks in September to poke around, etc. It's so much easier to think that way when I'm in Chicago and not finding large blood-stains on my dad's blanket from his mouth sores or seeing his heart skip a beat mid-conversation and knowing that's where the money's coming from and their life is pouring into. (but falling short)
-----------
* Example: driving Joanne to Cupertino home, driving her to bank, driving back to PA, only to discover that she left her keys in the car, driving back to Cupertino, driving back home. All on borrowed keys. >_<;; Tomorrow we're getting up really early to get onto the bus, commute to Fisherman's Wharf by 9:00 to go to Alcatraz and Angel Island. Perhaps dinner on the Wharf. Another day-long affair while Dad toils at home.
** yay for euphemisms for the sake of propriety
*** which, if I were reading it, would have put me to sleep long ago and I wouldn't be up whining on LJ
**** Driving makes me happy even though I'm a horrible driver because it means I'm going somewhere I want to go and I'm by myself in a car where I can control the sound and the temperature. Plus I can totally zone out (hence the bad driving).
In other news: oh, how I love
absolutsauronmy brother... (check out the utterly cute geekiness of his last post)
no subject
As for the other thing, I of course would like to express my personal preference for the option that involves visiting Alexis, but mostly I want you to be happy. So even if that means me worrying about you surrounded by Muslim-Han border skirmishes, if you really want to do it, then go for it. And if you want peace, go for that instead. But be happy.
no subject
That being said, it is meet to be conscious of one's obligations. There are obligations to self as well as to others, though. I suggest you concentrate on those, cause... well... your dad's decisions are ultimately his own, too. Shouldering his responsibility instead of yours strikes me as a bad idea. But whaddu I know, I'm from a different planet.
Also I'm suffering from the kind of dead, diffuse perk that keeps me from sleep and makes your euphemisms interesting. Silly boy. Say hi to Joanne for me.
no subject
no subject
no subject
In any case, come hell or high water, whether you go to China or not, no matter what happens later, you will always have anime, Ms. President. ::hums Hail to the Chief::