summercomfort | (no subject)

I'm a very selfish person. This is what it all comes down to. I try all these ways to convince myself that I'm not selfish, to focus on smaller things, do things for other people. And often, I succeed. I'm very good at convincing myself of things. But in the end, it's really all about me. I wrote my name in block letters and that just felt so satisfying, so right. A part of me tells me that it's not right to glorify myself. After all, what have I done that's really worth anything? Just a half-assed job at everything. But the other part says, yes, this is right, this is me, I am what's important, what should be cared about, and that is just depressing. It's one thing to read Adam Smith, another thing altogether when I face myself and realize what a pitifully selfish and prideful creature I am.

Perhaps this is just a moment brought on by the cold and detesting people who were socializing in such a *Chinese* way, but it is still traumatizing, this feeling of egotism coming to attention through the layers of oblivion I put between us. Of course, everyone else probably knows it already, because it's so unconcious that it seeps through my every expression, but knowing it myself is still different. And I don't think it's possible to feel differently. God, is Hobbes right?

Bookshelf came, so I put it together, so now I have space in the room. Finished anime club website (jas.uchicago.edu), as well as anime club meeting stuff. Chinatown trip again tomorrow. Stupid place with the stupid sunken outlets... can't plug half of the bigger plugs. Will need extension. Meatball and wintermelon soup should last one more day.

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poo, I'd like to point out that selfishness is a gradient. If you were completely selfless then you would be all "I am undeserving of eating this food" and then you'd die (the point is that everyone is selfish to a degree) from what I understand from eastern thought is that even though community is held above self, the community provides for the self so the whole thing is eventually selfserving ultimately. But then you have individual wants and desires which make you feel selfish, but it's those things that keep you from being a sheep following and conforming to the community without ever questioning it. And I think being selfish is based on how much one acts upon those desires. eh, I don't know where I'm going.. but both ends are dangerous >knows a guy who thinks himself very "Chinese" who doesn't feel any contradiction with going to church with his youth group and going and killing someone with his gang (and says Caucasians have no values)<

beh! don't think what you do is worthless! if you do, then you'll think you're worthless and nothing good can come from that. you can't always expect someone else to find worth in your work for you (not like I really follow my own advice, but I ought to) your stuff does have worth for you or why would you do it? (think of it uper secret worth that no one knows about.. hehe I have some stuff like that ^_^)

ah well I'm blundering around >not sure if I should have touched it< anyways what's a wintermelon? >does it taste yummy?

true true. I wasn't talking about drawing in specific, but just things in general. But then again, I shouldn't be comparing my accomplishments with my parents'. Thanks for commenting! ::huggles::

wintermelon is yummy in soups. It's not sweet, but it's yummy. I'll make you some when we get home or something.