summercomfort (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
summercomfort) wrote2004-03-03 09:57 am
summercomfort) wrote2004-03-03 09:57 am
(no subject)
What with everything that's been happening lately, I've been strangely okay with things. I'm starting to see the importance of being ready (both rationally and emotionally) for different foreseeable situations. Maybe it's time I start doing some growing up.
I think I want to knit another hat (although my last one wasn't received warmly), but I might have to order more yarn. Well, Kim wants a fuzzy hairband, which isn't much effort, so maybe I'll do that during anime club tonight. But really, what would I do with more hats? Maybe what I should make myself is a coin pouch or something. Knit some hair ties, or something silly like that.
Everyone has masks, it makes me wonder what aspects of me are masks, behaviors when dealing with people, and what's left when you take all that away.
Actually, another thing that's strange lately is dealing with people. Not having to rely on myself all the time is a strange feeling. Communal cooking, communal grocery shopping, bumming friend's car... As a selfish calculating Chinese, this giving in feeling is slightly disconcerting -- that I don't have to have a firm grip over all aspects of my life. Let Catherine stir the beef, let other people help carry groceries, let my roommate make the shrimp. I still don't get it when people want to go out of their way to walk me places. Other people. Weird.
But it's a good change! Relying on myself is strengthening of self-view and self-wants. Socializing and caring about people utilizes a completely different set of muscles. On one side it can sometimes be draining to try to care about so many people at once, but it's something I want to do. Besides, doing things myself is subject to occassional waves of desperation and loneliness. I've dealt all right with the self thing last quarter (:D I'd give myself an A!), and I think this quarter I've been learning to deal with the socializing thing (:) harder, and I did not do a good a job of juggling, so I give myself a B). So next quarter I'll hopefully be blending the two together. When I'm always caring about other people I forget to care about myself, and vice versa. That needs to be dealt with.
I think I'm being over-absorbed by life here. No one is a bystander. I should talk to the gumi some time, just to find some place to lay things out in the open. Calling home hasn't been ruled out, either. :) ::waves::
que sera sera, as that song goes! ^_^v
I think I want to knit another hat (although my last one wasn't received warmly), but I might have to order more yarn. Well, Kim wants a fuzzy hairband, which isn't much effort, so maybe I'll do that during anime club tonight. But really, what would I do with more hats? Maybe what I should make myself is a coin pouch or something. Knit some hair ties, or something silly like that.
Everyone has masks, it makes me wonder what aspects of me are masks, behaviors when dealing with people, and what's left when you take all that away.
Actually, another thing that's strange lately is dealing with people. Not having to rely on myself all the time is a strange feeling. Communal cooking, communal grocery shopping, bumming friend's car... As a selfish calculating Chinese, this giving in feeling is slightly disconcerting -- that I don't have to have a firm grip over all aspects of my life. Let Catherine stir the beef, let other people help carry groceries, let my roommate make the shrimp. I still don't get it when people want to go out of their way to walk me places. Other people. Weird.
But it's a good change! Relying on myself is strengthening of self-view and self-wants. Socializing and caring about people utilizes a completely different set of muscles. On one side it can sometimes be draining to try to care about so many people at once, but it's something I want to do. Besides, doing things myself is subject to occassional waves of desperation and loneliness. I've dealt all right with the self thing last quarter (:D I'd give myself an A!), and I think this quarter I've been learning to deal with the socializing thing (:) harder, and I did not do a good a job of juggling, so I give myself a B). So next quarter I'll hopefully be blending the two together. When I'm always caring about other people I forget to care about myself, and vice versa. That needs to be dealt with.
I think I'm being over-absorbed by life here. No one is a bystander. I should talk to the gumi some time, just to find some place to lay things out in the open. Calling home hasn't been ruled out, either. :) ::waves::
que sera sera, as that song goes! ^_^v