summercomfort: (Default)
summercomfort ([personal profile] summercomfort) wrote2017-03-08 10:18 pm

Recent realizations

So I was taking the train to SF and updating my resumé, and I was like:
1) Wow, I used to be pretty competent and do a lot of stuff! That's what I'm capable of if I turn my full attention to something!
2) Imagine if I turned my full attention to my current work! Wait, why do I not do that? (Maybe because I'm not as interested in my current work?)
3) Oh geez my life is so fragmented. And I keep doing things to make it more so.

This winter has been rough. This week might be the first week since Dec 6th that me or a member of my family hasn't been sick. And that just serves as a reminder that life is short and I'm getting older. What should I turn my mind to and focus my energy on in the mean time?

Maybe not fandom.

This may be just part of that cyclical antsiness that happens every few months or so, but... I feel like I've been dedicating waaaay too much of my life recently to organizing fandom things. Yes, getting things done efficiently and organizing large groups of people is something I enjoy. Yes, I've gotten to meet new cool people on the chats that I wouldn't have known/met otherwise. But it's also an awful lot of time that I could have used to focus on other things.

I mean, it's callous to say this, but ... I have other friends, and other creative projects. And I may be neglecting them in favor of all this online stuff. That sucks. And I got along well enough without fandom for 10 years.

It's heady, to be part of a larger creative community like this. To have a tumblr blog that has 2000+ followers. To have people to talk to about art and storytelling and character relationships. This is all stuff that I craved when I was working on Tisquantum and feeling so isolated. But it's also really fragmented my life. I feel like it's been 3 years since I've really felt the thrill of being completely focused on implementing something.

(Yet another reminder that I need to get back into teaching.)

So, what should I do? Gradually phase fandom out of my life? (Just wrap up the projects I currently have going, and not start any new ones...) Or is there still a place for it to stay? I worry that there's a baseline amount of "maintenance" required just to stay in the fandom (reading fics, interacting with people) that I'm not able to sustain if I want to go back to teaching and stuff.

But I'd miss my friends. :/

(But I'll miss friends no matter what.)

Sigh.

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